You are Enough

Do you ever feel as if you aren’t enough? Not good enough. Not smart enough. Not thin enough. Not young enough. Not old enough. Not successful enough. Not strong enough. Not athletic enough. Not wise enough. Not spiritual enough.

Or do you have the opposite issue, that you are too much? Too strong. Too smart. Too large. Too intense. Too creative. Too quiet. Too energetic. Too sensitive. I could go on and on. You fill in the blanks for yourself. I have been both in my life depending on the situation, but I’ve more often been deemed too much. When I was younger, I noticed that I was like a thermometer for people. When they felt good about themselves, they felt good about me and when they didn’t feel good about themselves, who I was brought out their dislike. That revelation was painful.

We all probably have feelings of not-enough or too-much, and perhaps more of one than the other. This can lead to inner turmoil and self-judgment. Our culture, and even our families or friends can feed into this but ultimately, I’ve found they are just feeding what we already feel within the stuck place of our own making. The “stuckness” of not-enough or too-much.

A classic rock song by the Rolling Stones gives voice to this feeling that we may all share about how we have gotten stuck in dissatisfaction. Let’s recall some of the lyrics. Sing along rockers!

I can’t get no satisfaction
I can’t get no satisfaction
‘Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can’t get no, I can’t get no

When I’m driving in my car
And that man comes on the radio
And he’s telling me more and more
About some useless information
Supposed to fire my imagination
I can’t get no, oh no, no, no!
Hey hey, hey! That’s what I’ll say

I can’t get no satisfaction
I can’t get no satisfaction
‘Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can’t get no, I can’t get no

I sense, at least for me and those I work with in spiritual direction, that the issue of not-enough or too-much comes to a head in a feeling of dissatisfaction or discontent. I happen to like the word discontent. It feels like it has a divine connection somehow to healing. More on that later. The opposite is feeling content. That word harkens back to spiritual teachings about what a deep life looks like, because when we are content, we lack nothing, no matter what we have or don’t have. That feels like healing to me. We can easily though, get stuck in being discontent with ourselves and with others. We might project our discontent outward by blaming or shaming others, or inward through self-negating. And if we don’t get the contentment we desire from within or from others we can easily blame God as well. The result can be that the harder we try to alleviate discontent, especially through surface fixes, the worse it can get. It’s like a vicious circle that keeps spiraling until we either give up or we go deeper in search of the source.

When we are with people (or ourselves) who are discontent it is a draining experience. It might feel like the energy in our bodies is seeping slowly out the bottom of our feet. Even holding a conversation is enervating, like sapping the joy out of a happy time. There is always something wrong, something that could be fixed, something that wasn’t up to par. It’s like the adage, my bucket’s got a hole in it. It feels like our life energy is seeping or dripping slowly out of our bucket. When we are stuck, I wonder if maybe we aren’t ready or aren’t able to repair the bucket.

Perhaps a few expressions from our discontented selves will serve to remind us of that turmoil.

*My boss will never appreciate my gifts so I’m going to just slack off.

*God doesn’t think I’m worthy enough to listen to, so I’ll just bear this by myself.

*I get so annoyed with people who seem happy or joyful when I feel so unloved.

*My kids don’t take care of me the way I want them to.

*My parents don’t take care of me the way I want to be cared for.

*I can’t find my niche because I don’t really belong anywhere.

*My partner will never turn out to be what I expected when we fell in love.

*I feel guilty when my creativity flows, and I sense jealousy from others.

*I’m in an abusive situation and I’m afraid to change because I may get hurt more.

A long history of feeling discontent.

This feeling of discontent is far from new. It goes way back into history. The Israelites, bless them for their true humanity, complained and were discontent no matter what happened. They were in bondage in Egypt and finally won their freedom, after numerous interventions from Moses. They were barely through the famous Red Sea miracle of rescue when they began to complain about not getting the preferred food they wanted on their sojourn. They even suggested going back to Egypt. They attacked Moses who had risked his life to save them. They even rejected God, their other rescuer, by building their own golden calf to worship. Have you or someone you know ever been rescued from an abusive relationship, a serious illness, a stale job, or a toxic environment only to quickly lose all perspective/hard-earned wisdom and instead complain about some person or procedure that was not good enough? Yikes. Discontent starts to sound too familiar.

Then there is my personal favorite, Jonah, who was the most reluctant prophet and worker of good perhaps in the whole Bible. Even when wildly successful in saving the people of Nineveh, he still didn’t experience contentment. Jonah was a classic whiner. A current example might be receiving generous gifts from friends, yet not feeling grateful because we are unable to take in that love. Or a highly successful author who complains about having to write a book a year. As for me, even when I‘ve received a lot in my life, I desire more and I need to be reminded again and again to be grateful for what I do have. Ever been there?

Underneath being discontent; perhaps holy discontent?

Let’s start first with unpacking discontent. I think there are at least two kinds of discontent. One is the kind I described, that of not feeling grateful for or even aware of all that has been bestowed on us. Or longing for more when what we already have is better than what we would gain if we got what we think would make us happy. This happens at all levels of society. We get what we want, and it makes us temporarily happy but fades, or even makes things worse. I’m not talking about abject poverty or homelessness since even the basics are not met in these circumstances. However, I’ve met several homeless people who seem more content or at least more grateful than many people. We have much to learn about the gift of joy!

The other kind of discontent comes when we are in a situation (or with a person or group) that is not only unhealthy but may be dangerous for our physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional health. We can feel imprisoned in this relationship since even to talk about it or to leave feels unsafe. But the discontent that we feel so keenly and project so unwisely, is likely the signal to us that we need to seriously consider our own selves first, no matter what others think. The discontent is inviting or perhaps requiring us to act in our own self-interest. Yet often fear or shame overrides our safety. This can occur in marriages, in work settings or even in churches. It’s the worst kind of discontent and it is the hardest to change. But when it is addressed, it is always transforming.

There is a sacred call that I think is part of our discontent. That’s why I think of it as divine discontent. Like the Israelites and Jonah there is something else happening here that is asking for a deeper healing and a deeper connection with God, the Holy or our Higher Power. But we need to go deeper into or under the discontent to see what that divine call is.

Underneath the surface of discontent is usually, in my life and those I see in my spiritual direction practice, the more insidious emotion of shame. The discontent is a camouflage for the emotion of shame. Shame states that who we are is impaired or flawed or unlovable. And that nothing can be done about it. Shame differs from guilt in that guilt is related to things we do that we are sorry for or for which we need to apologize. In shame we fear we can’t apologize or make amends because our flaws are who we are. This is a very deep and isolating lie, but it is a lie that we often believe. Brene Brown has written extensively (my favorite is Daring Greatly) about healing shame as has Kurt Thompson (The Soul of Shame) but suffice it to say, with time and loving attention and courageous honesty, we can heal shame. And release it.

In my life I hit a wall of shame when I realized that although I had quite a bit of what life would consider a cause for contentment, I felt deep discontent inside. I even wrote a poem about it called The Good Life. I listed things I’d gotten; the house I wanted, the work I loved, travel I enjoyed. Yet I had gotten myself into an untenable primary relationship that was thwarting my emotional health and my spiritual sustenance. It affected everything on that list in a depleting way. I didn’t even know what shame was, but I was projecting my unhealed history onto others, onto my good life and onto myself. The triggering event that caused me to wake-up was two-fold. First, I had a serious muscle spasm that landed me in the emergency room. It was my body’s way of warning me not to dive into this ocean of discontent. Yet I knew at a deep level that I had to. Second, I had a dream that I was inside a locked and burning box car traveling in a figure eight, the symbol for infinity. On the outside of the box car was a sign with my mother’s name on it. She had died young while herself in an untenable primary relationship. So, I knew I had to do something about this. And I did. I’ve written details about that elsewhere but essentially, I had to deal with shame and the fear that attends it in my unhealed relationship with my parents, with my partner, but also and more importantly, with God.

As a spiritual director, I sense something even deeper than shame that we need to also address for healing, at least for people who profess to believe in a Higher Power. That “something deeper” is that we do not believe that God loves us, that we are lovable, that God created us in love, or that God is a loving presence in our lives. Our image of God is unhealthy or even flawed, and until we find a way to heal that image, we will have a hard time healing our shame or our discontent. This takes time and intention—and courage and self-reflection. It takes a lot of undoing, of finding out where those beliefs took root in our lives and who watered and fed them; not to condemn those people but to realize how we got so caught in the shame, false belief, and prison of discontent.

In summary,

*Shame resides within us as does discontent—so we need to start there.
*Our relationship with and image of God is what is flawed, not us.
*God created us in God’s image and continues to see us that way.
*God loves us unconditionally, no exceptions.
*We are all lovable. No exceptions.

A few ideas for mending our leaking buckets, for finding our “enoughness”

I will focus on the spiritual aspects of mending our buckets by citing a few people and ideas that have revived my soul and have helped me mend my leaking bucket, to find my own “enoughness” in God.

Teresa of Avila, a nun and prioress in fifteenth century Spain, lived during the Inquisition. She is my favorite teacher on this topic of inner discontent. She was part Jewish, so she had to be very careful because the Inquisitors who suspected and interrogated her were very dangerous. When she opened a new house for her sisters, she had to do it in the dead of night or risk the possibility that she would be detained from her work. So, she knew what she was talking about when she shared some wisdom about finding contentment.

Teresa has written a lot about finding contentment during chaos (The Life of Teresa of Jesus and The Interior Castle). My favorite idea of hers (and the one that has made the most difference for me) is that although things and people will cause a lot of trouble, God is sufficient for me. In Spanish it reads “Solo Dios Basta” or only God suffices. The story goes that as she walked briskly down that halls of her convent she would mutter, “basta, basta, basta.” I do that myself now!

Another idea that helps me is to believe that we are all chosen and sent to this earth to be or do something that only we can do or be. No matter our lot in life, we are all special in some way and we thwart that to our own peril. So how do we discover what that is? Consider that we all have “sealed orders” (our unique way of giving and receiving love and life). These were given to us before our birth (Jeremiah 1:5) as described by Matt, Dennis, and Sheila Linn in their books Sleeping with Bread and Healing the Purpose of Your Life. Just hearing this was inviting for me. Sitting with a good listener to ask that question of myself has been sheer gift, a healing gift. It has helped me to find my true north and to stay closer to my own lane. Though I still may hear, I no longer believe the not-enough or too-much messages that come my way. It helps me to applaud other people’s sealed orders. My sealed order, as I understand it, is to be a healer. One of the ways I serve as a healer is through essays like this. I enjoy making abstract ideas concrete with the help of a loving and humorous God.

Thomas Merton states this same idea in his own way. He invites us to ponder this truth. “If you want to identify me, ask me not where I live, or what I like to eat, or how I comb my hair. But ask me what I think I am living for in detail and ask me what I think is keeping me from living fully the thing I want to live for. Between these two answers you can determine the identity of any person” (Union Life, June, 1995).

What would you say are your sealed orders? Or what you are living for, in detail?

A fourth idea that has resulted in significant healing for me is to realize, as Henri Nouwen so wisely notes, that God or our Higher Power is our First Love, the love that is always present, never demanding and unusually accepting. Other loves on this earth, from family, friends, partners etc, are Second Love, the love that is significant, satisfying and embracing but that can never be totally free or unconditional. It may be utterly wonderful, but it just can’t equate to our First Love. When we ground ourselves in First Love then our discontent and shame are more likely to heal, and we will be neither not-enough nor too-much but just enough—always and forever. And one other thing I’ve noticed is that when I feel loved by God, I am invited to be my best self and to genuinely invest in the changes and amends that are most needed for my deep contentment, not because I am flawed but because I’m totally loved.

What might contentment or “enoughness” look like?
Let’s review how that original list of discontent might look like from a more healed or content stance. Enoughness allows for new options we might not have even thought of. These are just a few ideas. You might have a variety of other responses.

*My boss will never appreciate my gifts so I’m going to just slack off.(I think I’ll find another place in my life to use my gifts where they are appreciated so I don’t put so much weight on this job fulfilling me).

*God doesn’t think I’m worthy enough to listen to, so I’ll just bear this by myself. (I now know my worth comes from God’s unconditional love and it has nothing in common with my old version of God and myself. God cares for, listens and supports me).

*I get so annoyed with people who seem happy or joyful when I feel so unloved. (I have named my own sealed orders so I can be more appreciative of other people’s joy and gifts.)

*My kids don’t take care of me the way I expect them to.(I am learning that God will bring the people and the ways that will be best for my care, so I don’t put undue expectations on my children.)

*My parents don’t take care of me the way I want to be cared for.(My parents did their best to raise me and now I need to find other adults to be present to me in life-giving ways, for mutual nourishment.)

*I can’t find my niche because I don’t really belong anywhere.(The place I know I belong is with God and that is my niche. I trust God to show me who and where I can best connect here on earth. I am excited to find those people and places.)

*My partner will never turn out to be what I expected when we fell in love. (I realize in deep and wise ways that First Love will sustain me, so I don’t expect all my needs to be met by a partner. Now it is me, God, and my partner in a loving partnership.)

*I feel guilty when my creativity flows and I sense jealousy from others.(In my enoughess I accept my creativity and its flow when it arrives, and I realize I am here on earth to share that joy however it lands for others.)

*I’m in an abusive situation and I’m afraid to change because I may get hurt more. (I know now that God would not encourage me to stay in this abuse, so I am seeking resources to help me change the situation or leave. I trust the whole process to advocates and to God.)

May you find your own enoughness in yourself, in your spiritual life and on this earth.

May your mended bucket fill with refreshing Love that you can then pour out to others.

I leave you with the lyrics of a song that is my life song. The song is sewed on an icon in my studio where I am writing these words. It reminds me of what matters most, that my First Love will never let me go. The words may be old, but the message is forever new!

“O Love That Will Not Let Me Go”

O Love that will not let me go
I rest my weary soul in thee
I give thee back the life I owe
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be

O light that followest all my way
I yield my flickering torch to thee
My heart restores its borrowed ray
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be

O Joy that seekest me through pain
I cannot close my heart to thee
I trace the rainbow through the rain
And feel the promise is not vain
That morn shall tearless be
George Matheson (1842-1906)

Janet O. Hagberg, 2023. Please pass this along.

Beyond Belief -embracing what we don’t understand in order to better understand what is beyond belief

​Have you ever had something happen to you that you just can’t explain rationally?
Someone calls you at the same time you are thinking of them. Perhaps you find something in your path; a coin, a book, a word, an image that you haven’t seen before, and it is exactly what helps you move forward. You experience a miracle in your life or in someone else’s life. Are these just coincidences, or is something else happening?

I invite you to stop and recall one of your own experiences, a “beyond belief” experience!

Frederick Buechner says that we all experience things like this at times in our lives but most of us just go on as if nothing happened. But those who pause and take in what happened may have a deeper experience of the event and what it means for their lives. I once asked a group of corporate employees if they had ever had a spiritual experience at work and their stories started pouring out. Mind-bending stories, exquisite stories, meaningful stories, non-rational stories. It was quite inspiring and amazing to hear (even in a work setting) all the things we rarely share.

Henri Nouwen says this about these experiences: “Something very deep and mysterious, very holy and sacred, is taking place in our lives right where we are, and the more attentive we become the more we will begin to see and hear it. The more our spiritual sensitivities come to the surface of our daily lives, the more we will discover—uncover—a new presence in our lives.”

I wonder why we so rarely name or share these things. Do we assume people will think we are strange? Do we wonder if we are just imagining them? Do we want to avoid skeptics? Do we question our sanity? Are we afraid of what would happen if we found out there was something to it, after all?

Most of these things belong in the “beyond belief” category. What are these experiences? Why do they happen? What do we make of them? How do we respond?

There is no unequivocal answer to those questions but there are quite a few options to consider. Yet to even consider them we need to allow for something that may now be beyond our rational mind to comprehend. Noticing things beyond belief asks us to suspend our judgment and invite both our experience and our other faculties like curiosity to speak to us. It may even ask us to slightly open ourselves to new ideas, to new experiences, to new realities. Brian Andreas, a gifted poet and artist speaks of this juncture so well…

When you start to crack open,
don’t waste a moment
gathering your old self
up into something
like you knew before.
Let your new self
splash like sunlight
into every dark place
and laugh and cry and
make sounds you never made
& thank all that is holy for the gift.

Let’s turn to several stories from real people describing what happened to them that was beyond the realm of rational thought but proved to be experiences they couldn’t easily ignore or negate.

*A woman whose daughter died tragically of concealed alcoholism at a young age went to her daughter’s grave on a regular basis, both to grieve and to embrace and heal her daughter’s story. Each time she arrived there was a robin sitting on or near the gravestone, even in the middle of winter. She said the experience of the bird’s presence helped her to feel her daughter’s spirit more intensely. And it comforted her. This bird was especially meaningful because her daughter’s name was Robin.

*A man who is an artistic quilter had a beautiful story written about him in a local hospital magazine. This invitation to tell his story was a big surprise and a gift because he had intentionally given up trying to promote his work. Several months later, in the large city where he lived, he was stopped in a restaurant by a woman who said she recognized him from that article months ago and had been so inspired by his story that she started to quilt herself. They later met and shared their stories, realizing that they both had the same philosophy about their creativity, sharing it freely without trying to promote it.

*A woman who was receiving treatments for stage four metastasized breast cancer was in her doctor’s office at a threshold time in her treatment process. She looked up at one point and saw a light infused angel standing in the corner of her doctor’s office. She was surprised yet felt comforted by this presence. Another time a butterfly landed on her shoulder after a meaningful church service and stayed there for about forty-five minutes. As it flew away it gently brushed her cheek. She felt these were signs that she was being held in the arms of something beyond her. She recounted several other mystical experiences over the seven years of her cancer, and she “knew” that these occurrences sustained her for a longer life. Initially she had only been given six weeks to live.

*Many of us have had the intimate experience of holding eye contact with a domestic or wild animal and feeling that they are looking more deeply into us, animals like deer, foxes, owls, dogs, cats, birds, wild turkeys, dolphins, herons. Or what about nature experiences that make your skin shiver with personal meaning?

How do we explain these “beyond belief” things?

I suppose each person will have a different approach. Some would say “Just enjoy it. Don’t try to explain it.” I appreciate that–and I do practice it. Yet it does beg for more exploration, at least for me. Jung might say it is synchronicity, that things happen across time and space and that we are all connected in that way. Scott Peck would describe it as serendipity. Brain specialists might say that they’ve found parts of the brain that connect us with these larger ideas or different wavelengths.

Spiritual teachers might say that these are examples of “thin places” where the veil between this side and the other side is permeable, and that it is something to be grateful for. Mystics might say that these are ways The Infinite chooses to be in intimate touch with us, showing us that we are loved and never alone. Counselors may say that healing from traumatic events allow us to open to a wider view of things than we ever knew existed. And even some forms of mental illness may allow people access to parts of the world that are unreachable to others.

I’d like to suggest that these unusual things that may seem “beyond belief” could be “heaven-on-earth” experiences. The idea being that the veil between heaven and earth opens so light and love energy from somewhere beyond us can break through. Currently these experiences are showing up in discernible ways we can’t ignore. We are being asked to be more aware of them—and maybe embrace them. What if they could change the way we view the world?

I deliberately use a variety of names for the “beyond us presence” because for many people in our culture the image and experience of God has been a less than generous or loving image. Other names we can give to this “beyond belief” presence are Higher Power, Mystery, the Universe, the Holy, the Divine, Ancestral Spirits, the Holy Spirit, Infinite, Love. I will choose God or Holy as the presence because I’ve done a great deal of inner work to heal and reclaim my experience and image of God. That was the journey of healing for me. Yet whatever works for you is the way into this deeper experience.

In this segment I will, however, give a brief explanation from the Christian world perspective as to what may be behind this emergence, namely the rise of the Spirit at this point in world history. It may help those of us who have struggled with the church or with theological beliefs to come to a new and more settled place in our faith. May it be so.

Phyllis Tickle, a well-known theologian, suggests a historical idea in her book, The Age of the Spirit. She shows from her research and scholarship, that we are now leaving the Age of Enlightenment and have entered the Age of the Spirit, where the way in which we connect with God, the Holy and that which is beyond us is through the Spirit, more specifically the Holy Spirit. How the Spirit is viewed and what it means have brought about much controversy, many battles and theological disagreement within the history of the Christian world over the centuries. But the Spirit seems to have survived all the external controversy and continues to attract people from many walks of life and many different religious and cultural practices.

What other ways might “beyond belief” experiences show up?

Now the Spirit seems to be showing up in more conscious ways and in wider circles, through charismatic experiences all over the world. The fastest growing churches are Pentecostal, world- wide. The gifts of the Spirit are named in Christian scripture to include wisdom, knowledge, faith, healing, miracles, prophesy, discernment, speaking in tongues, interpretation of tongues.

But what about outside of the church or outside of a particular faith tradition? This group might call themselves “spiritual but not religious,” a rapidly growing segment of the country. And their emerging ways of being spiritual may include things like spiritual direction, more intentional connections to the Spirit through popular music, nature, pilgrimages, art, ceremony, body and breath work, and many healing experiences (including mushrooms!). Emerging ways also include embracing chosen practices of Eastern Orthodoxy, Buddhism, Jewish thought, and Native American practices.

This transition into a new Spirit world within current faith traditions is propelled by different energies within our spiritual lives. I’ve come to believe that the call is to shift our focus. Simply put, we shift from a primary focus on beliefs about God (like theology, head knowledge, doctrine) to intentionally embracing direct experiences of the Mystery who is God. It does not mean discarding theology but viewing theology through the lens of these direct heart experiences. Simply put, our whole lives could be seen through the eyes of Eternal Love. In our everyday life, we all experience things that are “beyond belief” yet it may seem hard to integrate it with our faith experiences or in our faith walk. But if we pause and think about it, we already accept important experiences that we can’t prove. These are things we believe are spiritual but are not provable (although with new breakthroughs in brain science, we are now able to locate some of these emotions in the brain). Consider love, compassion, beauty, joy, altruism, intuition, visions, dreams, peace of mind.

Here are a few more “beyond belief” experiences…

*A woman working as a spiritual director in a prison setting was sitting at a table with inmates (insiders) and they were introducing themselves to her. She turned to the woman next to her and asked her first name. It was the same as hers. Then she laughed and said what a great name it was and casually asked what the insider’s middle name was. It turned out to be the same as hers. This was getting interesting. They both looked at each other, anticipating the next question—the insider’s last name. Amazingly it was the same name as the spiritual director’s maiden name. That was a wakeup call to the director, who realized at that moment, that she could, if given the right set of circumstances, also be an insider, an inmate. And it began an eight-year spiritual direction relationship between them, a rich experience for them both.

*A man working in a dementia unit of an organization had no idea how his clients would change his life. At first he intuitively starting using new connections with them, like looking directly in their eyes, kneeling to be on their level. With that vantage point and deeper connection, he noticed that they were decidedly more present. He developed ways to interact with them on an entirely different non-rational level of relating. You might say soul-to-soul or spirit-to-spirit. He became, some would say, a “dementia whisperer.” Now he is writing a book for caregivers and families about how to connect more deeply with their loved ones.

*A woman who walked regularly around a small lake in a local park heard footsteps behind her one day and turned around to see who was there. No one was there. She started walking again and the footsteps started too. She knew there was no human there and she stopped to think about what it could be. The gentle answer for her was that it was God who was letting her know that she was not alone. In the future when these footsteps occurred, she just smiled and thanked God.

*A woman held a precious rock in her hand each day in her quiet time. It was shaped like the palm of her hand and was sheer gift. One day after she had placed it back where it always rested, she returned later to the spot and couldn’t find it. It was gone. She searched. Her granddaughters searched. Gone. She grieved since it was so special to her. Several months later after she had spent the day with her family she returned to her home and the rock was back, right in its place. Did someone in her family secretly replace it? But no one could have snuck in that day since she was with her family all day. She sensed it was her deceased former husband gifting her with this experience, reminding her of how they frequently held hands as a form of their connection.

How do we now choose to embrace our “beyond belief” occurrences?

I don’t know the answer to that for you, dear reader. And there may be hundreds of answers, each designed especially for different individuals. I’ll just offer one of my experiences here and my meaning. I’ve had various kinds of Spirit experiences or “beyond belief” happenings. At first, I was afraid of them or too awed by them, so I took the experiences to my spiritual director to ask her about them. When she didn’t faint, I felt comforted and was willing to not only experience them but to be open to them or even invite more of them. I don’t claim to own any special gifts, just to be open to the gifts of the Spirit that come.

Over time, these gifts began to infiltrate my life and my faith. I noticed the subtle shift I mentioned, from a primary focus on beliefs about God (theology and doctrine) to experiencing God as Mystery directly and intimately.

Here’s my example of a “beyond belief” experience. I used to refrain from tears and crying, especially in public but with this deeper experience of God, I found that meaningful things brought ready tears to my eyes. I read that it could be a sign of holy things happening, so I kept track and sure enough it usually was. And my tears became a gift. Then I started crying often for no apparent reason and I had no way to understand it, since I knew I was not depressed. I brought it to my spiritual director, and she said it could be a sign of intimacy with God and discernment. She told me that Ignatius of Loyola (founder of the Jesuits) had a similar experience for a whole year when he was trying to discern something important for his followers. She even found a small book about his experience. I read it, and yes, the tears were a sign of deep discernment for me as well. As a result of knowing that, over time I made a difficult but life-giving decision. And those constant tears ceased.

I’ve found these intimate gifts to surprise, humor and ground me in life-giving ways. I’ll share a few of the fruits of them in my life. I chuckle more at the ways God works. I am inspired and awed by small things, and especially beauty of all kinds. My shadow behaviors don’t scare me as much and I can view them with patience and humor and less shame and guilt. The joy that results is tangible. I consciously keep my relationships steady with honesty and love, which means I am calmer and less entangled by chaos in the world. Losses still come but I don’t seem as undone by them because I’m not alone. I care more about other people, and I search for solidarity with them. I genuinely love and trust God more because I never feel judged or condemned. On my good days. On the other days I return to prayer and ask for direction!

Mystery is something we can’t explain and maybe that’s what makes it so intriguing. So, we are invited to just sit with these experiences and see where they take us. Mary Oliver summarizes it so well in this poem.

Mysteries, Yes.
Truly, we live with mysteries too marvelous
to be understood.How grass can be nourishing in the
mouths of lambs.
How rivers and stones are forever
in allegiance with gravity
while we ourselves dream of rising.
How two hands touch and the bonds will
never be broken.
How people come, from delight or the
scars of damage,
to the comfort of a poem.Let me keep my distance, always, from those
who think they have the answers.Let me keep company always with those who say
“Look!” and laugh in astonishment,
and bow their heads.

Janet Hagberg, 2023. Please pass along.