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The Richness of Not Wanting
“Oh, there’s that dreadful word again,” I said to myself. My spiritual director had just suggested to me that I might not be capable of getting myself up at 5:00 for an hour of prayer before getting ready for my usual 7:30 breakfast meeting for my business. She said that God would have to do that for me and that this was part of the process of surrendering to God. There was that word—surrender. I dreaded it. It felt like relinquishing my rights, my will, my choices. That conversation was quite awhile ago and, as result of those morning prayers, my spiritual journey has been one of steady descent ever since!
I’ve had to move steadily downhill from control, self-centeredness, ego, self-deception, success, security, busyness and fear. All because of that central compelling call from God to surrender. It is hard work and very counter to our culture, even much of our religious culture. And it’s easy to think that the downhill journey is all downhill, with little to be joyful about. I used to believe that.
I knew little of the other side of surrender, which is freedom, inner freedom. Freedom opens doors to the eternal. Surrender transforms us, it opens us, it heals us, it relieves us of our self-imposed burdens so we are cleaned out and free to be filled with God, in order to be our best selves. I doubt if surrender will become a subject of popular workshops or book titles though, because if most people are like me, they are afraid of what it will cost, how hard it will be and what they will be asked to give up.
There is a simple poem, written by a 15th Century Indian mystic named Kabir, that captures the essence of surrender in a compelling way for me.
Where the Shopkeeper Would Say
I was
Looking for that shop
Where the shopkeeper would say,
“There is nothing of value in here.”
I found it and did
Not leave
The richness of not wanting
Wrote these
Poems
The phrase that is most compelling for me is “the richness of not wanting.” Other ways to say this might be: let go and let God, not clinging, releasing, letting go. The word in that phrase that embraces me is the word, richness. How can there be richness in not wanting?
Freedom again. When I have to have…a house, a mate, cars, a certain job, health, money, fame, status, success, travel, clothes, attention from children, recognition, approval, the need to be needed, addictions, control, beauty, a body type etc, I am controlled by these desires, these longings. And I am not free to receive what I truly need instead.
Our culture pushes me to take the road to more—abundance, wider territory, more money, bigger job, multiple toys, having what I want right now. There are books that train our minds to deliver us whatever we dream of. I know best. I get what I want. The guarantee is that I will then be happy. Usually this regimen leaves me blind to what I actually need.
Moving into the richness of not wanting is a long, slow and incredibly satisfying experience. But it involves loss and letting go, releasing our wants in favor or our needs. It probably should not be done without guidance lest we lose track of the meaning in the process. But one thing I know; the journey is worth it and God is in the middle of it.
I would describe my spiritual journey as a slow downward spiral to the heart of God. This journey has brought me through several painful leadership experiences in which I learned to lead from behind rather than from the front. This journey brought me to the cusp of despair as a result of severely impaired relationships. It has transformed my work from traveling and key-note speaking to simpler yet deeper interactions with people. It has allowed me to downsize my living space and release many of my possessions. It has increased the richness and diversity of my friendships. It has deepened my spiritual life and increased my intimacy with God significantly.
So now whenever I crave something I do not need, I ask the simple question “why do I want this?” Usually if I go deeply enough and see what is beneath that desire, it is about security or filling an empty space within. When I can release these cravings I am free. I laugh more. I cry more too. I feel a deeper connection with the beauty around me. And I know joy.
Is this journey for everyone? No. One good church leader said to me, when I was describing the sacrificial life, “Why would anyone want this life?” I agreed. Why would anyone want this life, the richness of not wanting.
Good question. Ask God about it.
© Janet O. Hagberg, 2009. All rights reserved
Reflections on this essay
What does surrender mean to you spiritually?
What have you surrendered that has felt life-giving for you?
When have you gotten something you wanted and found out it didn’t satisfy you?
How do you experience the richness of not wanting?
How do you experience the freedom of less…?
Dear Subscribers,
I’m sure you join me in heartfelt compassion for Boston and Texas as they recover from the events of the past week. Today, our pastor (who lived in Boston for 23 years until he came to MN recently) remarked that so many people seek out God in times like these. He suggested that we focus on all the kindness and heroism that these tragic events brought forth. I would add; focus also on what matters most in your life and pay some kindness forward this week.
Janet
Baseball Brings You Home Again
Why Keep Score!
For when the one great scorer comes
To write against your name,
He’ll write not that you won or lost,
But how you played the game.
Grantland Rice, 1908
I’ve been a Twins fan since my childhood when Bob Allison, Tony Oliva, Jim Kaat and Harmon Killebrew were household names. It was such an adventure going to games at the old Met Stadium with my Dad or watching the team play on TV on summer evenings. I played softball on a park board team through most of elementary school and middle school so I learned how to play the game at the “dirt” level. Our team made it into the regional competition several times and I remember batting against a pitcher who threw so fast we could hardly see the ball go by. That made me appreciate at a deeper level just how good those major leaguers were. I followed professional baseball, sometimes closely sometimes haphazardly during my twenties and then my two stepsons brought baseball to the front burner by their involvement in the game.
But the day that changed my life was the fateful day about ten years ago when my stepson, who had become a sports writer after college, taught me how to keep score. That did it. I was hooked. Permanently. Never before had I gotten so totally involved in the game. It increased not only my enjoyment and understanding of the game but also my commitment to it.
Some of you reading this are doubters. You’re saying, “I enjoy the game enough without keeping score.” Well, that might be true, but think of these other reasons for keeping score before you decide for sure.
IT KEEPS YOU IN THE GAME: When you keep score you always know the line up, who’s at bat, who’s up next, and how each player has done so far in the game. You know who’s hot and who’s not. You can see the trends in the game, such as the likelihood of more hits in the first inning if the pitcher has not gotten into his groove, or in the sixth and seventh innings when the starting pitcher begins to tire. You can see at a glance how the pitcher is doing, whether he’s getting batters to ground out, fly out or strike out. You can see how beautiful a shut-out looks on paper. And keeping score keeps your mind from wandering to stressful or unwelcome subjects like work or cleaning the garage.
IT’S FUN TO LEARN–AND THEN TO DESIGN–YOUR OWN SCORING SYSTEM: There are certain simple symbols that are part of baseball tradition: like K for strikeout, BB for walk, and CS for caught stealing. Whenever a player gets a single, you might draw a line that starts the diamond shape, from home to first, in the box next to his name. There are numbers assigned to each fielder as a short hand way to identify them quickly. Soon marking a ground out to the third baseman as “5-3” becomes second nature.
But the fun part is learning and making your own scoring “code,” like asterisks for great defensive plays. And whenever I come across a play I haven’t scored before and it baffles me, I just email my stepson and he fills me in. It makes for great conversation.
YOU CAN KEEP TRACK OF HISTORICAL MOMENTS: What you add to your scorecard or score book is up to you, but I love to record great defensive and offensive plays, historical moments, controversial plays, as well as the standings of various teams at the time they played the Twins.
Here are a few examples of things – big and small — I’ve kept track of in my score book in just the last few years.
*September 1999: Eric Milton pitches a no hitter against Anaheim. 13 strike outs, 2 walks. Only 5th pitcher in Twin’s history to accomplish this. Twins win 7-0.
*April 2000: Cal Ripken gets his 3000th hit at a Twins game.
*June 2000: Fan interference takes a home run away from Mitch Meluskey (Houston Astros) in a game against the Twins.
*July 2000: Sammy Sosa hits home run #25 against the Twins in his bid for the HR title.
*July 2000: Milton vs. Clemens (Yankees). Both pitchers have no hitters going until the 6th and 5th innings respectively.
*June 2001: Guzman gets four bases (and 2 RBIs) on a BUNT (and a defensive error) against Cleveland.
*June 2001: 10th Anniversary of the World Series Win in 1991. Twins are currently leading the AL Central.
*August 2001: Celebration of Kirby Puckett’s induction into the Baseball Hall of Fame.
YOU GAIN RESPECT FOR THE GAME AND FOR THE PLAYERS: Keeping score has increased my appreciation for the finer points of the game, the underlying rhythms, ups and downs of players, and the incredible preparation and practice it takes to be a major leaguer day in and day out. Now I watch the signs from the third base coach to the batters and the base runners. I watch the pitch count. I am more aware of the reasons for the order of line-ups and pitching changes. I am in awe of the diving catches of Doug Mientkiewicz and the twisting-in-mid-air throws by Guzman and Rivas. I believe, with Alistair Cooke, that the double play is the most beautiful play in baseball.
Because I keep score I read more books on baseball and watched Ken Burns’ Baseball documentary. I understand better now the long and sometimes glorious, sometimes sordid history of baseball as a chronicle of America. And I watch the game become more international each year.
IT TAKES YOU BACK TO THE BEST MEMORIES OF CHILDHOOD: Baseball is part of the fabric of summer. Keeping score takes me deeper into the richness of that fabric. It brings me back to some of my best memories of childhood, playing softball every day, sharing the experience of winning and losing with good friends (with whom I am still close), and being with my Dad at games. Baseball brings you home again in your mind after you’ve been away for a long time. I think Robert Benson describes this aspect of baseball well in his philosophical book, The Game, (2001):
I hope my kids will remember that baseball is a game about going home. And in that way at least, it is a game that mirrors everything, because everything in life is about going home again. It is about leaving home, and going out to a place where home is far away, and then doing the things that you must to get home again, some of them simple and routine, some of them occasionally heroic and glorious.
PLAY BALL.
AND KEEP SCORE.
Janet O. Hagberg
Author, public speaker and ardent baseball scorekeeper
Reprinted with permission from Gameday, Vol. 1, Iss.3, 2002.
Two stimulating opportunities:
Margaret Silf, who wrote The Inner Compass, one of the most inviting books on the inner spiritual life, will be in town Monday April 22 9-11 at St Patrick’s Church in Edina. She came all the way from Scotland for this session and a retreat so try to attend this. $50 sponsored by Loyola Spirituality Center.
An artistic debut! A few friends and I are showing our artist creations for the first time at NE Mpls’ Art-a-Whirl on May 18-19, Sat 12-5, Sunday 2-5. Studio 1400, 1400 3rd Street NE. 612-296-3376. Join us if you can and if you are curious about my contemporary quilted icons.
Today I’m sending you an essay in honor of the opening of baseball:-) I just can’t resist. This one is an article I wrote for Gameday, a baseball rag that was sold on the grounds of the old domed stadium. Humor me! Next week I’ll start the series on money.
Janet