You are Enough

Do you ever feel as if you aren’t enough? Not good enough. Not smart enough. Not thin enough. Not young enough. Not old enough. Not successful enough. Not strong enough. Not athletic enough. Not wise enough. Not spiritual enough.

Or do you have the opposite issue, that you are too much? Too strong. Too smart. Too large. Too intense. Too creative. Too quiet. Too energetic. Too sensitive. I could go on and on. You fill in the blanks for yourself. I have been both in my life depending on the situation, but I’ve more often been deemed too much. When I was younger, I noticed that I was like a thermometer for people. When they felt good about themselves, they felt good about me and when they didn’t feel good about themselves, who I was brought out their dislike. That revelation was painful.

We all probably have feelings of not-enough or too-much, and perhaps more of one than the other. This can lead to inner turmoil and self-judgment. Our culture, and even our families or friends can feed into this but ultimately, I’ve found they are just feeding what we already feel within the stuck place of our own making. The “stuckness” of not-enough or too-much.

A classic rock song by the Rolling Stones gives voice to this feeling that we may all share about how we have gotten stuck in dissatisfaction. Let’s recall some of the lyrics. Sing along rockers!

I can’t get no satisfaction
I can’t get no satisfaction
‘Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can’t get no, I can’t get no

When I’m driving in my car
And that man comes on the radio
And he’s telling me more and more
About some useless information
Supposed to fire my imagination
I can’t get no, oh no, no, no!
Hey hey, hey! That’s what I’ll say

I can’t get no satisfaction
I can’t get no satisfaction
‘Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can’t get no, I can’t get no

I sense, at least for me and those I work with in spiritual direction, that the issue of not-enough or too-much comes to a head in a feeling of dissatisfaction or discontent. I happen to like the word discontent. It feels like it has a divine connection somehow to healing. More on that later. The opposite is feeling content. That word harkens back to spiritual teachings about what a deep life looks like, because when we are content, we lack nothing, no matter what we have or don’t have. That feels like healing to me. We can easily though, get stuck in being discontent with ourselves and with others. We might project our discontent outward by blaming or shaming others, or inward through self-negating. And if we don’t get the contentment we desire from within or from others we can easily blame God as well. The result can be that the harder we try to alleviate discontent, especially through surface fixes, the worse it can get. It’s like a vicious circle that keeps spiraling until we either give up or we go deeper in search of the source.

When we are with people (or ourselves) who are discontent it is a draining experience. It might feel like the energy in our bodies is seeping slowly out the bottom of our feet. Even holding a conversation is enervating, like sapping the joy out of a happy time. There is always something wrong, something that could be fixed, something that wasn’t up to par. It’s like the adage, my bucket’s got a hole in it. It feels like our life energy is seeping or dripping slowly out of our bucket. When we are stuck, I wonder if maybe we aren’t ready or aren’t able to repair the bucket.

Perhaps a few expressions from our discontented selves will serve to remind us of that turmoil.

*My boss will never appreciate my gifts so I’m going to just slack off.

*God doesn’t think I’m worthy enough to listen to, so I’ll just bear this by myself.

*I get so annoyed with people who seem happy or joyful when I feel so unloved.

*My kids don’t take care of me the way I want them to.

*My parents don’t take care of me the way I want to be cared for.

*I can’t find my niche because I don’t really belong anywhere.

*My partner will never turn out to be what I expected when we fell in love.

*I feel guilty when my creativity flows, and I sense jealousy from others.

*I’m in an abusive situation and I’m afraid to change because I may get hurt more.

A long history of feeling discontent.

This feeling of discontent is far from new. It goes way back into history. The Israelites, bless them for their true humanity, complained and were discontent no matter what happened. They were in bondage in Egypt and finally won their freedom, after numerous interventions from Moses. They were barely through the famous Red Sea miracle of rescue when they began to complain about not getting the preferred food they wanted on their sojourn. They even suggested going back to Egypt. They attacked Moses who had risked his life to save them. They even rejected God, their other rescuer, by building their own golden calf to worship. Have you or someone you know ever been rescued from an abusive relationship, a serious illness, a stale job, or a toxic environment only to quickly lose all perspective/hard-earned wisdom and instead complain about some person or procedure that was not good enough? Yikes. Discontent starts to sound too familiar.

Then there is my personal favorite, Jonah, who was the most reluctant prophet and worker of good perhaps in the whole Bible. Even when wildly successful in saving the people of Nineveh, he still didn’t experience contentment. Jonah was a classic whiner. A current example might be receiving generous gifts from friends, yet not feeling grateful because we are unable to take in that love. Or a highly successful author who complains about having to write a book a year. As for me, even when I‘ve received a lot in my life, I desire more and I need to be reminded again and again to be grateful for what I do have. Ever been there?

Underneath being discontent; perhaps holy discontent?

Let’s start first with unpacking discontent. I think there are at least two kinds of discontent. One is the kind I described, that of not feeling grateful for or even aware of all that has been bestowed on us. Or longing for more when what we already have is better than what we would gain if we got what we think would make us happy. This happens at all levels of society. We get what we want, and it makes us temporarily happy but fades, or even makes things worse. I’m not talking about abject poverty or homelessness since even the basics are not met in these circumstances. However, I’ve met several homeless people who seem more content or at least more grateful than many people. We have much to learn about the gift of joy!

The other kind of discontent comes when we are in a situation (or with a person or group) that is not only unhealthy but may be dangerous for our physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional health. We can feel imprisoned in this relationship since even to talk about it or to leave feels unsafe. But the discontent that we feel so keenly and project so unwisely, is likely the signal to us that we need to seriously consider our own selves first, no matter what others think. The discontent is inviting or perhaps requiring us to act in our own self-interest. Yet often fear or shame overrides our safety. This can occur in marriages, in work settings or even in churches. It’s the worst kind of discontent and it is the hardest to change. But when it is addressed, it is always transforming.

There is a sacred call that I think is part of our discontent. That’s why I think of it as divine discontent. Like the Israelites and Jonah there is something else happening here that is asking for a deeper healing and a deeper connection with God, the Holy or our Higher Power. But we need to go deeper into or under the discontent to see what that divine call is.

Underneath the surface of discontent is usually, in my life and those I see in my spiritual direction practice, the more insidious emotion of shame. The discontent is a camouflage for the emotion of shame. Shame states that who we are is impaired or flawed or unlovable. And that nothing can be done about it. Shame differs from guilt in that guilt is related to things we do that we are sorry for or for which we need to apologize. In shame we fear we can’t apologize or make amends because our flaws are who we are. This is a very deep and isolating lie, but it is a lie that we often believe. Brene Brown has written extensively (my favorite is Daring Greatly) about healing shame as has Kurt Thompson (The Soul of Shame) but suffice it to say, with time and loving attention and courageous honesty, we can heal shame. And release it.

In my life I hit a wall of shame when I realized that although I had quite a bit of what life would consider a cause for contentment, I felt deep discontent inside. I even wrote a poem about it called The Good Life. I listed things I’d gotten; the house I wanted, the work I loved, travel I enjoyed. Yet I had gotten myself into an untenable primary relationship that was thwarting my emotional health and my spiritual sustenance. It affected everything on that list in a depleting way. I didn’t even know what shame was, but I was projecting my unhealed history onto others, onto my good life and onto myself. The triggering event that caused me to wake-up was two-fold. First, I had a serious muscle spasm that landed me in the emergency room. It was my body’s way of warning me not to dive into this ocean of discontent. Yet I knew at a deep level that I had to. Second, I had a dream that I was inside a locked and burning box car traveling in a figure eight, the symbol for infinity. On the outside of the box car was a sign with my mother’s name on it. She had died young while herself in an untenable primary relationship. So, I knew I had to do something about this. And I did. I’ve written details about that elsewhere but essentially, I had to deal with shame and the fear that attends it in my unhealed relationship with my parents, with my partner, but also and more importantly, with God.

As a spiritual director, I sense something even deeper than shame that we need to also address for healing, at least for people who profess to believe in a Higher Power. That “something deeper” is that we do not believe that God loves us, that we are lovable, that God created us in love, or that God is a loving presence in our lives. Our image of God is unhealthy or even flawed, and until we find a way to heal that image, we will have a hard time healing our shame or our discontent. This takes time and intention—and courage and self-reflection. It takes a lot of undoing, of finding out where those beliefs took root in our lives and who watered and fed them; not to condemn those people but to realize how we got so caught in the shame, false belief, and prison of discontent.

In summary,

*Shame resides within us as does discontent—so we need to start there.
*Our relationship with and image of God is what is flawed, not us.
*God created us in God’s image and continues to see us that way.
*God loves us unconditionally, no exceptions.
*We are all lovable. No exceptions.

A few ideas for mending our leaking buckets, for finding our “enoughness”

I will focus on the spiritual aspects of mending our buckets by citing a few people and ideas that have revived my soul and have helped me mend my leaking bucket, to find my own “enoughness” in God.

Teresa of Avila, a nun and prioress in fifteenth century Spain, lived during the Inquisition. She is my favorite teacher on this topic of inner discontent. She was part Jewish, so she had to be very careful because the Inquisitors who suspected and interrogated her were very dangerous. When she opened a new house for her sisters, she had to do it in the dead of night or risk the possibility that she would be detained from her work. So, she knew what she was talking about when she shared some wisdom about finding contentment.

Teresa has written a lot about finding contentment during chaos (The Life of Teresa of Jesus and The Interior Castle). My favorite idea of hers (and the one that has made the most difference for me) is that although things and people will cause a lot of trouble, God is sufficient for me. In Spanish it reads “Solo Dios Basta” or only God suffices. The story goes that as she walked briskly down that halls of her convent she would mutter, “basta, basta, basta.” I do that myself now!

Another idea that helps me is to believe that we are all chosen and sent to this earth to be or do something that only we can do or be. No matter our lot in life, we are all special in some way and we thwart that to our own peril. So how do we discover what that is? Consider that we all have “sealed orders” (our unique way of giving and receiving love and life). These were given to us before our birth (Jeremiah 1:5) as described by Matt, Dennis, and Sheila Linn in their books Sleeping with Bread and Healing the Purpose of Your Life. Just hearing this was inviting for me. Sitting with a good listener to ask that question of myself has been sheer gift, a healing gift. It has helped me to find my true north and to stay closer to my own lane. Though I still may hear, I no longer believe the not-enough or too-much messages that come my way. It helps me to applaud other people’s sealed orders. My sealed order, as I understand it, is to be a healer. One of the ways I serve as a healer is through essays like this. I enjoy making abstract ideas concrete with the help of a loving and humorous God.

Thomas Merton states this same idea in his own way. He invites us to ponder this truth. “If you want to identify me, ask me not where I live, or what I like to eat, or how I comb my hair. But ask me what I think I am living for in detail and ask me what I think is keeping me from living fully the thing I want to live for. Between these two answers you can determine the identity of any person” (Union Life, June, 1995).

What would you say are your sealed orders? Or what you are living for, in detail?

A fourth idea that has resulted in significant healing for me is to realize, as Henri Nouwen so wisely notes, that God or our Higher Power is our First Love, the love that is always present, never demanding and unusually accepting. Other loves on this earth, from family, friends, partners etc, are Second Love, the love that is significant, satisfying and embracing but that can never be totally free or unconditional. It may be utterly wonderful, but it just can’t equate to our First Love. When we ground ourselves in First Love then our discontent and shame are more likely to heal, and we will be neither not-enough nor too-much but just enough—always and forever. And one other thing I’ve noticed is that when I feel loved by God, I am invited to be my best self and to genuinely invest in the changes and amends that are most needed for my deep contentment, not because I am flawed but because I’m totally loved.

What might contentment or “enoughness” look like?
Let’s review how that original list of discontent might look like from a more healed or content stance. Enoughness allows for new options we might not have even thought of. These are just a few ideas. You might have a variety of other responses.

*My boss will never appreciate my gifts so I’m going to just slack off.(I think I’ll find another place in my life to use my gifts where they are appreciated so I don’t put so much weight on this job fulfilling me).

*God doesn’t think I’m worthy enough to listen to, so I’ll just bear this by myself. (I now know my worth comes from God’s unconditional love and it has nothing in common with my old version of God and myself. God cares for, listens and supports me).

*I get so annoyed with people who seem happy or joyful when I feel so unloved. (I have named my own sealed orders so I can be more appreciative of other people’s joy and gifts.)

*My kids don’t take care of me the way I expect them to.(I am learning that God will bring the people and the ways that will be best for my care, so I don’t put undue expectations on my children.)

*My parents don’t take care of me the way I want to be cared for.(My parents did their best to raise me and now I need to find other adults to be present to me in life-giving ways, for mutual nourishment.)

*I can’t find my niche because I don’t really belong anywhere.(The place I know I belong is with God and that is my niche. I trust God to show me who and where I can best connect here on earth. I am excited to find those people and places.)

*My partner will never turn out to be what I expected when we fell in love. (I realize in deep and wise ways that First Love will sustain me, so I don’t expect all my needs to be met by a partner. Now it is me, God, and my partner in a loving partnership.)

*I feel guilty when my creativity flows and I sense jealousy from others.(In my enoughess I accept my creativity and its flow when it arrives, and I realize I am here on earth to share that joy however it lands for others.)

*I’m in an abusive situation and I’m afraid to change because I may get hurt more. (I know now that God would not encourage me to stay in this abuse, so I am seeking resources to help me change the situation or leave. I trust the whole process to advocates and to God.)

May you find your own enoughness in yourself, in your spiritual life and on this earth.

May your mended bucket fill with refreshing Love that you can then pour out to others.

I leave you with the lyrics of a song that is my life song. The song is sewed on an icon in my studio where I am writing these words. It reminds me of what matters most, that my First Love will never let me go. The words may be old, but the message is forever new!

“O Love That Will Not Let Me Go”

O Love that will not let me go
I rest my weary soul in thee
I give thee back the life I owe
That in thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be

O light that followest all my way
I yield my flickering torch to thee
My heart restores its borrowed ray
That in thy sunshine’s blaze its day
May brighter, fairer be

O Joy that seekest me through pain
I cannot close my heart to thee
I trace the rainbow through the rain
And feel the promise is not vain
That morn shall tearless be
George Matheson (1842-1906)

Janet O. Hagberg, 2023. Please pass this along.

Beyond Belief -embracing what we don’t understand in order to better understand what is beyond belief

​Have you ever had something happen to you that you just can’t explain rationally?
Someone calls you at the same time you are thinking of them. Perhaps you find something in your path; a coin, a book, a word, an image that you haven’t seen before, and it is exactly what helps you move forward. You experience a miracle in your life or in someone else’s life. Are these just coincidences, or is something else happening?

I invite you to stop and recall one of your own experiences, a “beyond belief” experience!

Frederick Buechner says that we all experience things like this at times in our lives but most of us just go on as if nothing happened. But those who pause and take in what happened may have a deeper experience of the event and what it means for their lives. I once asked a group of corporate employees if they had ever had a spiritual experience at work and their stories started pouring out. Mind-bending stories, exquisite stories, meaningful stories, non-rational stories. It was quite inspiring and amazing to hear (even in a work setting) all the things we rarely share.

Henri Nouwen says this about these experiences: “Something very deep and mysterious, very holy and sacred, is taking place in our lives right where we are, and the more attentive we become the more we will begin to see and hear it. The more our spiritual sensitivities come to the surface of our daily lives, the more we will discover—uncover—a new presence in our lives.”

I wonder why we so rarely name or share these things. Do we assume people will think we are strange? Do we wonder if we are just imagining them? Do we want to avoid skeptics? Do we question our sanity? Are we afraid of what would happen if we found out there was something to it, after all?

Most of these things belong in the “beyond belief” category. What are these experiences? Why do they happen? What do we make of them? How do we respond?

There is no unequivocal answer to those questions but there are quite a few options to consider. Yet to even consider them we need to allow for something that may now be beyond our rational mind to comprehend. Noticing things beyond belief asks us to suspend our judgment and invite both our experience and our other faculties like curiosity to speak to us. It may even ask us to slightly open ourselves to new ideas, to new experiences, to new realities. Brian Andreas, a gifted poet and artist speaks of this juncture so well…

When you start to crack open,
don’t waste a moment
gathering your old self
up into something
like you knew before.
Let your new self
splash like sunlight
into every dark place
and laugh and cry and
make sounds you never made
& thank all that is holy for the gift.

Let’s turn to several stories from real people describing what happened to them that was beyond the realm of rational thought but proved to be experiences they couldn’t easily ignore or negate.

*A woman whose daughter died tragically of concealed alcoholism at a young age went to her daughter’s grave on a regular basis, both to grieve and to embrace and heal her daughter’s story. Each time she arrived there was a robin sitting on or near the gravestone, even in the middle of winter. She said the experience of the bird’s presence helped her to feel her daughter’s spirit more intensely. And it comforted her. This bird was especially meaningful because her daughter’s name was Robin.

*A man who is an artistic quilter had a beautiful story written about him in a local hospital magazine. This invitation to tell his story was a big surprise and a gift because he had intentionally given up trying to promote his work. Several months later, in the large city where he lived, he was stopped in a restaurant by a woman who said she recognized him from that article months ago and had been so inspired by his story that she started to quilt herself. They later met and shared their stories, realizing that they both had the same philosophy about their creativity, sharing it freely without trying to promote it.

*A woman who was receiving treatments for stage four metastasized breast cancer was in her doctor’s office at a threshold time in her treatment process. She looked up at one point and saw a light infused angel standing in the corner of her doctor’s office. She was surprised yet felt comforted by this presence. Another time a butterfly landed on her shoulder after a meaningful church service and stayed there for about forty-five minutes. As it flew away it gently brushed her cheek. She felt these were signs that she was being held in the arms of something beyond her. She recounted several other mystical experiences over the seven years of her cancer, and she “knew” that these occurrences sustained her for a longer life. Initially she had only been given six weeks to live.

*Many of us have had the intimate experience of holding eye contact with a domestic or wild animal and feeling that they are looking more deeply into us, animals like deer, foxes, owls, dogs, cats, birds, wild turkeys, dolphins, herons. Or what about nature experiences that make your skin shiver with personal meaning?

How do we explain these “beyond belief” things?

I suppose each person will have a different approach. Some would say “Just enjoy it. Don’t try to explain it.” I appreciate that–and I do practice it. Yet it does beg for more exploration, at least for me. Jung might say it is synchronicity, that things happen across time and space and that we are all connected in that way. Scott Peck would describe it as serendipity. Brain specialists might say that they’ve found parts of the brain that connect us with these larger ideas or different wavelengths.

Spiritual teachers might say that these are examples of “thin places” where the veil between this side and the other side is permeable, and that it is something to be grateful for. Mystics might say that these are ways The Infinite chooses to be in intimate touch with us, showing us that we are loved and never alone. Counselors may say that healing from traumatic events allow us to open to a wider view of things than we ever knew existed. And even some forms of mental illness may allow people access to parts of the world that are unreachable to others.

I’d like to suggest that these unusual things that may seem “beyond belief” could be “heaven-on-earth” experiences. The idea being that the veil between heaven and earth opens so light and love energy from somewhere beyond us can break through. Currently these experiences are showing up in discernible ways we can’t ignore. We are being asked to be more aware of them—and maybe embrace them. What if they could change the way we view the world?

I deliberately use a variety of names for the “beyond us presence” because for many people in our culture the image and experience of God has been a less than generous or loving image. Other names we can give to this “beyond belief” presence are Higher Power, Mystery, the Universe, the Holy, the Divine, Ancestral Spirits, the Holy Spirit, Infinite, Love. I will choose God or Holy as the presence because I’ve done a great deal of inner work to heal and reclaim my experience and image of God. That was the journey of healing for me. Yet whatever works for you is the way into this deeper experience.

In this segment I will, however, give a brief explanation from the Christian world perspective as to what may be behind this emergence, namely the rise of the Spirit at this point in world history. It may help those of us who have struggled with the church or with theological beliefs to come to a new and more settled place in our faith. May it be so.

Phyllis Tickle, a well-known theologian, suggests a historical idea in her book, The Age of the Spirit. She shows from her research and scholarship, that we are now leaving the Age of Enlightenment and have entered the Age of the Spirit, where the way in which we connect with God, the Holy and that which is beyond us is through the Spirit, more specifically the Holy Spirit. How the Spirit is viewed and what it means have brought about much controversy, many battles and theological disagreement within the history of the Christian world over the centuries. But the Spirit seems to have survived all the external controversy and continues to attract people from many walks of life and many different religious and cultural practices.

What other ways might “beyond belief” experiences show up?

Now the Spirit seems to be showing up in more conscious ways and in wider circles, through charismatic experiences all over the world. The fastest growing churches are Pentecostal, world- wide. The gifts of the Spirit are named in Christian scripture to include wisdom, knowledge, faith, healing, miracles, prophesy, discernment, speaking in tongues, interpretation of tongues.

But what about outside of the church or outside of a particular faith tradition? This group might call themselves “spiritual but not religious,” a rapidly growing segment of the country. And their emerging ways of being spiritual may include things like spiritual direction, more intentional connections to the Spirit through popular music, nature, pilgrimages, art, ceremony, body and breath work, and many healing experiences (including mushrooms!). Emerging ways also include embracing chosen practices of Eastern Orthodoxy, Buddhism, Jewish thought, and Native American practices.

This transition into a new Spirit world within current faith traditions is propelled by different energies within our spiritual lives. I’ve come to believe that the call is to shift our focus. Simply put, we shift from a primary focus on beliefs about God (like theology, head knowledge, doctrine) to intentionally embracing direct experiences of the Mystery who is God. It does not mean discarding theology but viewing theology through the lens of these direct heart experiences. Simply put, our whole lives could be seen through the eyes of Eternal Love. In our everyday life, we all experience things that are “beyond belief” yet it may seem hard to integrate it with our faith experiences or in our faith walk. But if we pause and think about it, we already accept important experiences that we can’t prove. These are things we believe are spiritual but are not provable (although with new breakthroughs in brain science, we are now able to locate some of these emotions in the brain). Consider love, compassion, beauty, joy, altruism, intuition, visions, dreams, peace of mind.

Here are a few more “beyond belief” experiences…

*A woman working as a spiritual director in a prison setting was sitting at a table with inmates (insiders) and they were introducing themselves to her. She turned to the woman next to her and asked her first name. It was the same as hers. Then she laughed and said what a great name it was and casually asked what the insider’s middle name was. It turned out to be the same as hers. This was getting interesting. They both looked at each other, anticipating the next question—the insider’s last name. Amazingly it was the same name as the spiritual director’s maiden name. That was a wakeup call to the director, who realized at that moment, that she could, if given the right set of circumstances, also be an insider, an inmate. And it began an eight-year spiritual direction relationship between them, a rich experience for them both.

*A man working in a dementia unit of an organization had no idea how his clients would change his life. At first he intuitively starting using new connections with them, like looking directly in their eyes, kneeling to be on their level. With that vantage point and deeper connection, he noticed that they were decidedly more present. He developed ways to interact with them on an entirely different non-rational level of relating. You might say soul-to-soul or spirit-to-spirit. He became, some would say, a “dementia whisperer.” Now he is writing a book for caregivers and families about how to connect more deeply with their loved ones.

*A woman who walked regularly around a small lake in a local park heard footsteps behind her one day and turned around to see who was there. No one was there. She started walking again and the footsteps started too. She knew there was no human there and she stopped to think about what it could be. The gentle answer for her was that it was God who was letting her know that she was not alone. In the future when these footsteps occurred, she just smiled and thanked God.

*A woman held a precious rock in her hand each day in her quiet time. It was shaped like the palm of her hand and was sheer gift. One day after she had placed it back where it always rested, she returned later to the spot and couldn’t find it. It was gone. She searched. Her granddaughters searched. Gone. She grieved since it was so special to her. Several months later after she had spent the day with her family she returned to her home and the rock was back, right in its place. Did someone in her family secretly replace it? But no one could have snuck in that day since she was with her family all day. She sensed it was her deceased former husband gifting her with this experience, reminding her of how they frequently held hands as a form of their connection.

How do we now choose to embrace our “beyond belief” occurrences?

I don’t know the answer to that for you, dear reader. And there may be hundreds of answers, each designed especially for different individuals. I’ll just offer one of my experiences here and my meaning. I’ve had various kinds of Spirit experiences or “beyond belief” happenings. At first, I was afraid of them or too awed by them, so I took the experiences to my spiritual director to ask her about them. When she didn’t faint, I felt comforted and was willing to not only experience them but to be open to them or even invite more of them. I don’t claim to own any special gifts, just to be open to the gifts of the Spirit that come.

Over time, these gifts began to infiltrate my life and my faith. I noticed the subtle shift I mentioned, from a primary focus on beliefs about God (theology and doctrine) to experiencing God as Mystery directly and intimately.

Here’s my example of a “beyond belief” experience. I used to refrain from tears and crying, especially in public but with this deeper experience of God, I found that meaningful things brought ready tears to my eyes. I read that it could be a sign of holy things happening, so I kept track and sure enough it usually was. And my tears became a gift. Then I started crying often for no apparent reason and I had no way to understand it, since I knew I was not depressed. I brought it to my spiritual director, and she said it could be a sign of intimacy with God and discernment. She told me that Ignatius of Loyola (founder of the Jesuits) had a similar experience for a whole year when he was trying to discern something important for his followers. She even found a small book about his experience. I read it, and yes, the tears were a sign of deep discernment for me as well. As a result of knowing that, over time I made a difficult but life-giving decision. And those constant tears ceased.

I’ve found these intimate gifts to surprise, humor and ground me in life-giving ways. I’ll share a few of the fruits of them in my life. I chuckle more at the ways God works. I am inspired and awed by small things, and especially beauty of all kinds. My shadow behaviors don’t scare me as much and I can view them with patience and humor and less shame and guilt. The joy that results is tangible. I consciously keep my relationships steady with honesty and love, which means I am calmer and less entangled by chaos in the world. Losses still come but I don’t seem as undone by them because I’m not alone. I care more about other people, and I search for solidarity with them. I genuinely love and trust God more because I never feel judged or condemned. On my good days. On the other days I return to prayer and ask for direction!

Mystery is something we can’t explain and maybe that’s what makes it so intriguing. So, we are invited to just sit with these experiences and see where they take us. Mary Oliver summarizes it so well in this poem.

Mysteries, Yes.
Truly, we live with mysteries too marvelous
to be understood.How grass can be nourishing in the
mouths of lambs.
How rivers and stones are forever
in allegiance with gravity
while we ourselves dream of rising.
How two hands touch and the bonds will
never be broken.
How people come, from delight or the
scars of damage,
to the comfort of a poem.Let me keep my distance, always, from those
who think they have the answers.Let me keep company always with those who say
“Look!” and laugh in astonishment,
and bow their heads.

Janet Hagberg, 2023. Please pass along.

Wiggle the web – What one person can do to change the world

Do you ever feel overwhelmed by the issues of our day? Or by the fact that there seems to be nothing that you can do about them?

I’ve heard many people bemoan the fact that there is nothing they can do about many of the issues of our time because they are too big, or complex, or political, or insurmountable. I have had those thoughts myself. I feel guilty because I have a hard time figuring out what I can do that will matter. Yet occasionally, I hear a story of how one person, a normal every-day person like me, has an idea or decides to take a chance, or suggests something to a friend not knowing how it will turn out, or just blurts out something. But in doing so the person sets in motion a whole set of eventsor experiences or ripples, like when you toss a stone into the water and the ripples go out in all directions.

In fact, I like another metaphor better. I think that we are all part of an intricate web of connection around the globe (like but not the same as the WWW) and when anyone even wiggles the web a little bit, the whole globe feels it. This is not my original idea but whoever said it deserves a lot of credit. The image alone is magnificent. Perhaps one person does not single-handedly change the world but gets something started wiggling and others pick up on it. So, what if one of us decided to be curious, or to take a small risk, or say what we are genuinely thinking during a conversation, or offer a hand as a spontaneous gesture?

There are myriads of ways we are called to act for the greater good. The greater good of a person, a place, an organization, a cause, nature, animals, or for the world. For the greater good means we do not act in order to get attention, to get power, to be elected, or to be contentious or to shame or fight. Instead, consider the idea that there is a Greater Good residing underneath all things already just waiting for us to bring it to the surface. What might happen if we took a risk to act for the greater good??

By now if you’ve read any of my essays you know that poetry and lyrics are dear to my heart. I have a poem for you that I hope will touch your heart. This poem speaks, in a surprising way, to the sometimes-lonely feeling you get when you wonder what only one voice can do. Or you wonder if you are the only one who cares about an issue. Poet Jessica Powers speaks to what one person can do and how joy spills over.

May you be inspired as we move to stories of wiggling the web…

Only One Voice

Only one voice
but it was singing
and the words danced and as they danced held high–
oh, with what grace!–their lustrous bowls of joy.
Even in dark we knew they danced, but we–
none of us—touched the hem of what would happen.
Somewhere around a whirl, a swirl, a pirouette,
the bowls flew and spilled,
and we were drenched, drenched to the dry bone
in our miserable night.

Only one voice,
but morning lay awake in her bed and listened,
and then was out and racing over the hills
to hear and see.
And water and light and air and the tall trees
and people, young and old, began to hum
the catchy, catchy tune.
And everyone danced, and everyone, everything
even the last roots of the doddering oak
believed in life.

Jessica Powers

I’ve decided to collect several of these small and large stories and share them with you, the reader, in hopes that they will connect with something in you that longs for more, for some participation in the larger scheme or web of things that could change the world in tiny ways. Or maybe it reminds you of times that you did wiggle the web and what that meant for you. Does that sound intriguing? I’ll start the ball rolling and let’s see what happens. Just to keep you interested, I’m going to intersperse these stories with my back story of how it all got started in me, but if I told it all at the beginning, I might risk losing you before we get to the stories of people who are wiggling the web. So bear with me😊

How people wiggle the web…

*A Ugandan woman living in the US, invited a small group of suburban women quilters to join her for lunch at her small apartment in the inner city. Out of that lunch, and hearing her story, the quilters eventually decided to create an African Women’s Voices quilt with their new friend. The group put a high price on the quilt at a subsequent fund-raising sale. The purpose of the quilt sale was to raise enough money to bring their friend’s three children to America. She had to flee her country after she had been tortured by her government –and she had to leave alone and quickly. The quilt miraculously sold for the price requested and all three children came to America. The quilt hangs in a special retreat center/meeting house in the city and its story inspires many who visit that place.

*The retreat center/meeting house I just mentioned is a healing place for a whole community. The dream of one man who quit his corporate job to live in the inner city, it offers hospitality to all who come. For instance, his house became the meeting place for a group of women who had experienced deep pain. Either their child had murdered someone or had been murdered by someone. They came together, supported each other in their grief, and became models of an astounding way to mend their broken hearts. One woman forgave her son’s murderer and they found ways to work together after he was released from prison. Their stories were told on national television and across social media.

*Two college baseball players whose team was ahead by one run in the bottom of the ninth inning watched as a player on the other team, with a player on base, hit a home run, thus winning the game. But the home run hitter tripped and was injured on her way to first base and couldn’t complete her trip around the bases. No one on the player’s own team could help her, according to the rules. So, the two opposing team players looked at each other and decided to help the injured player. They braced her between themselves and shuffled her to each base and back to home plate, thus helping her win the game, and sealing their loss. Their story went viral.

*One black woman, supported by strong convictions, training and friends, decided not to sit in the back of the bus in a highly segregated city which considered her unworthy of seats in the front of the bus. She was arrested and simultaneously helped ignite the bus boycott that helped to change the way the city treated blacks. Her act of courage was a role model for the whole civil rights movement of the 1960s. She has become a national heroine.

More people wiggling the web…

*A man of faith had a professional colleague who was serving a prison term and it became apparent that the inmate’s family really needed him to be present and out of prison for a family crisis. The man of faith offered to serve the remainder of his colleague’s prison term based on an old statute in the state that would allow him to do so. Three other male friends then offered to do the same. The offer itself was so unusual that the inmate was transformed by the power and love it represented, and after serving his term he founded an organization dedicated to working with inmates.

*A wealthy man decided to offer full and free college tuition to all sixth graders in a particular Harlem school. It was called the Dreamers group, after MLK’s speech, “I have a dream.” He adopted the class and invested in their lives, offering mentoring, and helping them through crises. As a result, half of the students went on to college, while others got jobs. The man invited other friends to join his efforts. Eventually many other programs started, based on this model and 16,000 students around the world were affected.

*A strong group of KKKers developed in Indiana in the nineteen twenties and the leader was a cult-like figure. He wanted to be president of the US and ruled with an iron fist. One of the things he did was rape women and one of those women had the courage to expose his behavior on her death bed. Her story was believed, and as a result the leader was deposed and the threat of the KKKers ended.

*A group of spiritual directors took a pilgrimage to a place in Spain that had been a holy place for a saint who they revered, and who lived in the fifteenth century. They were on their way to a chapel where he had experienced a vision and they got lost. As they were looking and feeling discouraged, an old man walking with a cane appeared and asked if he could help them. He guided them directly to the chapel. They were deeply relieved and grateful. When they turned to thank him, he had vanished. So sometimes the one who wiggles the web may not actually be a human but an angel.

Let’s backtrack just a bit and let me tell you about Tolstoy’s role in all of this and how this inquiry into people who made a difference got started in my life! If you want to skip this, although it is vitally interesting, just go to the * parts below and read more stories!

This idea got started a long time ago (in my thirties) when I decided to read biographies and autobiographies of people who were culture changers, in my opinion. I wanted to know what made them tick. And lo and behold, amazing and difficult things in their lives were the prime reason that they did the astounding things they did. I’ll just name a few of the people I read about, and you can add others to your own list: Mahatma Gandhi, Dorothy Sayers, Anwar Sadat, Lady (Randolph) Churchill, Buckminster Fuller, Eleanor Roosevelt, Nelson Mandala, Evelyn Underhill, Benjamin Tutu, Maya Angelo, Martin Luther King, Jr.

Fast forward to today. For some mysterious reason, I recently encountered an old book by Leo Tolstoy called The Kingdom of God is Within You. I’d never heard of it, and it was intriguing to me since he lived in Russia as a Christian in the 19th century. In reading his book I came across the story he said was the inspiration to develop his philosophy of non-violent protesting. And because of this courageous writing, and even though this book was banned in Russia, it somehow got into Gandhi’s hands, and Gandhi was greatly influenced by it. Then, of course, Gandhi greatly influenced MLK Jr, Mandala, Tutu and thousands of others who were seeking to change culture and gain freedom non-violently. The web kept wiggling for more than a century.

Here’s a brief synopsis of how Tolstoy came to see how one person could ignite a non-violent protest aboard a train!

In the book he describes in depth how and why he developed his non-violent protest philosophy and why it was so vital in the landscape of his time. It was a time when landowners had power and peasants had none. He shows example after example of why there seemed to be no compelling reason for people to change a brutal system. So, nothing was happening. The brutality against the peasants was getting worse and was grievous to him.

To pinpoint his transformation, he describes a train trip he took coincidentally accompanied by soldiers and commanders about to brutalize and kill peasants over a local dispute with landowners. This was a repeat of brutal acts that had already been committed recently to peasants in another town. On the train, a middle-class woman who knew what the soldiers were doing, called out the soldiers and the commanders about how immoral and shaming their behavior was. Underneath this brutal behavior, most of those involved knew that it was wrong, but no one knew what to do nor dared do it. Once the woman voiced her disgust, one person tried to defend the behavior and another sided with her. In the end her voice opened the door for the commander to change his mind and not do anything brutal but to solve the problem without violence. And then that door opened for more people involved to choose other options. Slowly but surely the tide turned, and public opinion changed.

Two people, that one woman and Tolstoy, both had a role in a philosophy that we could say changed parts of the whole world. They each wiggled the web and did so for what was the greater good.

We don’t have to be Tolstoy to wiggle the web!!!

As you’ve seen already, I’ve started to collect stories of everyday people and well-known people who decide to do something, sometimes not even intentionally. Maybe even spontaneously like the woman on the train. But it changed things. What might be going on in us if we do what we can do to wiggle the web?

Maybe we are just curious.
Maybe we need an answer.
Maybe we are sick and tired of things as they are.
Maybe we want to do something good or kind.
Maybe we are trained in ways to make change for the common good.
Maybe we are following someone else’s example.
Maybe the timing is just RIGHT.
Maybe our moral compass or inner courage is inspired.
There are many motives or unconscious desires.

By the way, it is not just one person but small groups that, together, can wiggle the web and make important moves forward for an individual or for the common good. Sometimes it’s easier to work with others because the ideas flow better and there is mutual support. Margaret Meade famously said “never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed, citizens can change the world. In fact, it’s the only thing that ever has.” So, some of my examples will be small groups or groups that support that one person.

Here goes…these are more stories of what one person, or a small group can do to wiggle the web!

More people wiggling the web…

*One black man changed my life by the way he wiggled the web. It started in such a simple way. I met him and his wife at an anniversary party of some mutual friends, and in that chance meeting we quickly became friends. But more than that, he became my pastor and mentor. He was and is my racial reconciliation teacher. I learned from him that “all reconciliation is relational” and it changed the way I see and relate to people of color. He helped change my world view. My life is richer, wiser, more compassionate, more creative, and hopeful as a result. And now I see myself as a reconciler in whatever ways I can be.

*An Irish priest went to live in the Vatican during WWII and his role was to rescue allied soldiers, civilians and Jews and bring them to freedom. This was both dangerous and risky. He put his life on the line most of the time since the Nazi regime was focused on stopping him. But he was safe when he could retreat to the Vatican. He had an extensive network of places to house people on the run, like farms, homes, and convents. Through his faith, his commitment, and a wide variety of these safe houses, he and his networks were able to save around 6500 people by the end of the war.

*A unique toy store in a small town in the Midwest has a special behind-the-scenes reason for being. The owner told me that the family thinks of their store especially as a healing and joyful place for families (from all over the world) who are having treatments or surgery at a famous nearby medical center. The toy store has a vast collection of historical toys, all kinds of current toys, several live llamas, a candy and ice cream shop, and best of all, a unique hand-carved carousel. It is a destination store. What I call a very “thin place.” Imagine that idea as your business plan!

*A well-known and multiple award-winning woman pro basketball player voluntarily stopped playing in the middle of her career. She had heard of a story of a prisoner falsely convicted of a crime, using unsubstantial evidence. So, even while she was still a player, she worked for several years to get him freed. Later she married him and now they work on prosecutorial reform. She is taking all she learned and gave on the court to new landscapes in which she can also make a difference.

More people wiggling the web…

*A couple was on the last leg of their trip home from Europe, and they were bedraggled and spent. One of them was even still recovering from an illness. They were sitting alone in a coffee shop at the airport when a woman they didn’t know walked up to them and offered them a large chocolate bar. She had apparently noticed their mood and decided to befriend them. She gave them the bar and left. The woman who received the chocolate later described this act as a “penny’s worth of kindness,” a phrase she had learned when she was seven, still remembered, and now had experienced with sincere gratitude.

*A TV personality who personified himself as everyone’s neighbor, eased his way into children’s hearts the world over. He did it by being honest, believing in kids, addressing hard issues many children face, and inviting everyone into his neighborhood. When he received the lifetime achievement Emmy, he asked the audience to be still for ten seconds to remember any people who had influenced them for the better. Even in his honoring, he made it about others. No wonder most kids, now fully grown adults, still recall whole episodes in the show that helped them navigate their world.

*A woman arriving at the airport early in the morning was tired, and longing for refreshment. She stopped at a restaurant “to-go” section and asked for a tea drink. The server said the refrigeration system was not working so she offered to go and get ice for her drink. The customer was so impressed with this largesse that she got to talking to the server and they had a personal conversation about the server’s family, the choice to treat people with kindness, and how she teaches her twelve children and grands the same thing. The customer told the server that she wanted to write a personal note of thanks and recommendation to the manager. It just so happened that the manager was there that morning, so the server got to hear the strong recommendation made on her behalf. It included the idea that the server be invited to train other servers, given her exquisite customer service skills.

*Two different CEOs showed how their principles of caring for employees mattered during down times in business. The first, who saw a downturn coming asked for employee input and said he would listen to any ideas that would permit a reduction in expenses without a layoff. The employees came up with a voluntary part-time policy that was readily accepted by employees and management. There was no need to lay anyone off. And when the business turned around many employees wanted to keep the policy, resulting in more people being hired. The second CEO voluntarily reduced his salary to $10,000 (his first post-college salary) and asked his employees to take one month off without pay. It was accepted as an alternative to layoffs and was such a caring gesture that several employees offered to take off more time so those who really needed the full-time work could stay on the job.

One last wiggle the web story

*OK, this is a little example of one way I wiggle the web. Like the song, “this little light of mine.” I chose an image of several angels from one of my quilted icons, had it photographed, and made it into little 2 x 2in hard cards. I put a brief inspiring message on the back about angels keeping us from stumbling, but I didn’t include my name or email address. I just give these angel cards out to anyone who I think could use one or who did something kind. The look on people’s faces and their reaction is my source of joy. I give them to servers, friends, counselors, kids, office managers, homeless people, police officers, librarians. Really anyone. No exclusions. It’s easy. Free. Artful (even if I do say so myself!). Intentional. Loving. Sacred.

Please think of stories you know of anyone wiggling the web, including you. And then share these stories with other people. Spread hope. Spill joy.

To close our sacred venture with life and world changing work, there is another thought that we need to embrace. This wiggling the web is difficult work sometimes and we can get weary, wondering whether any of the effort is worth it. Sometimes we think that those who wiggle the web with negative or evil intent are gaining momentum. Sometimes we want to give up or we think it’s all for naught.

That’s when community matters most. Fellow wigglers caring for each other, holding each other up, people from all over the world believing and holding the light, no matter what. The community helps us summon the courage and faith to keep moving forward with our work, knowing we are not alone-ever. This poem by Libby Roderick expresses that unity so well.

Cradle of the Dawn

Sunset in your country, sunrise in mine
Lay down your body, feel mine begin to rise
Sunset in my country, sunrise in yours
I feel you there in the dawn…

The forces facing us are terrible indeed
My hope may flicker in the night
But in the morning I will plant another seed
And while you sleep it seeks the light…

There are no promises that we will see the day
The dreams we live for will succeed
But I can promise you that halfway round the world
I’ll hold the light up while you sleep…
Libby Roderick

I leave you with these ideas. We are not alone. We hold each other up. A holy source of Greater Good undergirds us all. We will not be daunted. We can all wiggle the web. Let’s do it…

Janet Hagberg, 2023. Please pass this along

​How can I mend a broken heart – part 5 ​How Do I Know if I Need Healing for my Broken Heart?

What a great question to ask when on the journey of healing a broken heart. And the answers
may be different for each person. Depending on the depth of the heartbreak or the nearness of
the person who hurt us, or our own level of inner development, different triggers or signs may
help us see that it is time to make a change.

Also, there are some heartbreaks that heal like the layers of an onion, each peeled layer
perhaps adding more healing at the appropriate time. At the opposite end of the spectrum,
sometimes a wounded heart may miraculously heal with just a sentence said at the right time,
with healing intention. At times, the mere passage of time heals things, at least at some level.
So as usual, read these ideas with your own life in mind, for what may work for you. And
remember to be kind and non-judgmental towards yourself so healing may be more likely to
happen. If you are triggered by any of these ideas and feel drawn to heal, please consider
talking to a trusted friend, a spiritual director or a counselor to help you navigate the issues.
Let’s start this pondering with a poem that may help us gain perspective on our own needs for
healing. This is The Journey by Mary Oliver.

The Journey
One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice–
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do–
determined to save
the only life you could save.

What are ways we may know that we need heart healing?

*We have extra strong reactions (rage, panic, or deep hurt) to small triggering events.

*We experience repeated patterns that never get resolved. Examples are bully bosses,
manipulative friends, the same physical symptoms when around difficult people (pink eye, skin
eruptions, muscle cramps, headaches, stomach aches).

*We have upsetting, prophetic, or repeated dreams about the person or the situation that
never get resolved. Or we often wake up in the middle of the night.

*We notice that the things we used to do to cover our pain have now become more painful
than the pain itself, and we can’t seem to manage these ineffective coping strategies. Drugs,
alcohol, shopping, cluttering, sex, eating, sleeping, gambling, pornography, busyness.

*We have been in treatment for an addiction and now are confronted with finding the deeper
reason beneath our addiction, what it was covering up.

*We feel we are “walking on eggs” much of the time, afraid to change but also afraid to face
the reactions of those around us if we challenge the system.

*We have strong adverse physical or emotional reactions to a person, event, memory, place, or
organization that tells us that something deep needs to be addressed. Like throwing up on the
way to an event in which your ex-partner will be in attendance (and you know you don’t have
the flu!)

*We have unexplainable behavioral changes, undiagnosable physical symptoms, even a near
death experience. Or bouts of depression or anxiety that ask us to stop and listen. These may
be our body’s urgent attempt to wake us up to the fact that we need to attend to something in
our lives.

When am I Ready to Heal my Broken Heart?

A related question is “When am I ready to heal?” or what signs emerge when the time is ripe
for moving forward on this healing process? It is one thing to know you need to heal and quite
another to move forward with the healing. How can we know that now is the time? How is
procrastination different from waiting for the right time? When do we need an appropriate
push or how can we learn to give ourselves a little nudge? Along with that, what are some ways
these essays have suggested that we can go about healing our broken hearts and what
resources might we need to use? All these things are vital to the healing process. Ready? Let’s
go!

We’re ready to heal when…

*We feel that the risk of staying stuck (procrastination or fear) is greater than the risk to make a
change. That happens deep within us and it is like a shift that moves us to action. At times this
might include or even require a crisis that we choose not to ignore.

*We somehow know we are now healthy enough (physically, emotionally, spiritually) to look
clearly at the situations, people, or events that have caused our pain and be present to the task
of healing.

*We have enough supportive people and organizations around us to make the changes. We
allow or invite our counselors or friends to nudge us to take some risks or to take a next step.

*We begin releasing the pressure of the person or situation and gain some distance from it,
with either time, support, insights, or good boundaries.

*We can look beyond the raw judgments of the situation to more basic questioning or curiosity
about the person or event. Like understanding what caused the person or situation to evolve as
it did (for instance child abuse in a spouse’s early life). This might also include letting go of our
defenses and being open to unlearning or unknowing. This does not mean we learn to take the
blame. Not at all. We always need to carefully retain our safety and our voice.

*We experience an in-depth response that may surprise us. Though we still reject the abusive
behavior of the person, we may begin to compassionately love and understand the wounded
person who hurt us. We may or may not reconnect with them, but we change internally.

*We wisely use our body in the healing. An example is Bio-spiritual Focusing which is holy
listening to our bodies. Where in our body do we feel our feelings? Can we compassionately
embrace our feelings? What image, word, or memory draws us deeper into this current body
feeling?

*We feel internally that the next step is now appearing, that it matters, and that we are ready
to move. This would include knowing how to be kind enough not to put ourselves in jeopardy,
while still being ready to take a risk or two.

*We are willing to take time for solitude and silence so that issues can surface that busyness
might preclude us from seeing or feeling. Perhaps dreams may bring up issues as well. And
when these issues arise, we can welcome and befriend them rather than trying to get rid of
them or cover them up.

Speaking of befriending the pain that is threatening to undo us, there is another poem that
speaks directly to this issue. Welcoming that uninvited guest who unsettles our carefully
manicured life and offers to heal it. This guest brings messiness and a new delight into our lives.
In most cases the messiness is uninvited but, in some cases, so is the healing. That is mysterious
and complicated and beyond the scope of this essay. Let’s look at how Rumi’s poem unsettles
us yet invites us to stand at the door laughing and welcoming the messy guest.

The Guest House
This being human is a guest-house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness
comes as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they are a crowd of sorrows
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

Ways to heal, including resources for this journey

The first three essays in this series illustrated twelve different ways to heal our broken hearts. I
will list them (and several more) for you. I list them in the order they appeared in each essay.
But first, there are a few historically tried and true ways to approach deep and lasting healing.

Seeing our hurt now as a gift to help us give and receive life and love. As we use this gift it is a
step further into deeper life. Example: AA’s practice of being a sponsor for another. Or doing
the 10 th step of making a daily inventory to find current healing movement and challenge. This
is also called the Examen in which we ask daily what we are most grateful for and least grateful
for.

Understanding longstanding guides for discernment and connecting with love. An example is
the Ignatian concept of desolation and consolation. When in desolation, we can get
reconnected to love through remembering our last experience of love and consolation or
reaching out to someone who could use our love, even if we don’t want to! As we genuinely
embrace the desolation, we can just watch what happens. It may help to lovingly keep our hand
on our heart to stay more grounded in our hearts rather than in our heads.

Twelve ways, or more, to heal our broken hearts, from the heart mending essays:

Going to a grave site to have a conversation with a departed loved one.
Receiving a dream and having a dialogue with the key person in the dream.
Using body work. Messages, healing touch, Rolfing, acupuncture, trauma work.
Adopting people to replace those who have died or who have broken our heart.
Reading books that directly address the issues in our heartbreak.
Asking ancestors to help us address current people who are a lot like them.
Making a memento or a gift for someone who we are estranged from.
Telling our heartbreak story to someone who represents the person who hurt us.
Going to the source of painful memories, reframing the story that was misrepresented.
Finding our own voice, separating it from what others want it to be, even if others shame us.
Joining organizations that will help us address our own issues, so we are not alone.
Finding our unique niche in a new world in which we never thought we would be accepted.

And these are additional resources to use along with the above or as additional aids.

Using therapy and or spiritual direction. Also recovery groups or supportive friends.
Praying, solitude, spiritual images, scripture verses. Finding sanctuaries for ourselves.
Practicing rituals, mantras, journaling. Also music, podcasts, creative expressions of the issue.
Writing letters we never send or rewriting old harmful scripts.

Turning it all over to the Holy or a higher power to guide us. Watch what happens!

May we find that the journey of healing a broken heart transforms the life we were living and
changes the very trajectory of our life. No matter what our age or the nature of our heartbreak,
may we find healing. May we gain the clarity and courage to move forward with our heart
healing. And even if we were, as we all have been, the cause of someone else’s heartbreak, may
this heart healing process help us to mend and to be gentle with what it means to be human
and what it means to amend. May it be so.

Since this heart healing work invites us to visit and embrace both our own and other’s
“demons,” as well as our angels, I leave you with an evocative quote from a wise playwright,
August Wilson.

“Confront the dark parts of yourself, and work to banish them with illumination and
forgiveness. Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing.“

Janet Hagberg, 2023. Please pass this along.

Harvesting my Life

One of my wise mentors invited me to reflect on my life. The word harvesting emerged in my
psyche. What did this mean? For me it meant reaping the benefits of my life’s most meaningful,
fruitful, or valuable experiences, people, and events. It’s like reaping the harvest of a field,
separating out the grain from the chaff. But how to do it? I didn’t have the energy to detail my
life chronologically and I was a bit self-conscious about writing a whole story about myself. In
reflection I came up with an alternative option; answering a set of evocative questions and then
naming what I learned from answering them. I include the questions that I chose and a story of
one of the most surprising things I learned. I invite anyone to join me in this harvesting…

*Choose the questions you most want to answer. Perhaps one intrigues you or challenges you
more than others. That may be a sign it has special meaning for you.

*As you ponder each question, let the answers bubble up as you remember various times of
your life. It often helps to do this in a quiet setting if possible.

*When you start writing, try to answer honestly, not what you think you ought to answer�� .
Be gentle with yourself and anticipate surprises.

*Most answers will be positive and life-giving. A few answers may be negative. Consider them
but try not to let them derail you. If they do, talk to a trusted confidant so they do not block
your process. Sometimes the most challenging times in our lives yield the most growth.

*Once you have a reasonable draft of your answers, prioritize your top 3-4 answers in order of
significance. While this may be difficult, it may be the most telling result of your harvest.
​
* Make note of what you reaped most from this way of harvesting your life! When you
complete this experience, consider sharing it (when you are ready) with a trusted person. The
answers may take on more significance when you share them.

Here is a list of harvesting questions to ponder.

What were the major thresholds in your life, times that mark distinct changes in direction,
intention, or belief? What was the result?

What statements did people make to you that affected how you thought about yourself or
changed you in some way? How did they affect you? (They could be negative or positive)

Who are the people that most influenced your life? Why? Think broadly to include teachers,
family, coaches, therapists, artists, authors, pastors, mentors, healers.

What are the books (or authors) that influenced your life, especially in positive or healing ways?
Why?

What music has moved you or inspired you most? Why?

Which friends/family sustained you during difficult times? How?

How would you describe your spiritual journey over time?

What are the things that bring you the most joy, that touch you emotionally and, in your body,

and bring you closer to your true self and/or to your Higher Power?

What results stand out for you as you reflect on this reaping process?

My most surprising harvesting story
One of my reaping stories was a surprise to me. It was that my mother was the most influential
person in my life. It was a surprise because I was not like my mother in many ways, and she
verbalized that to me in non-judgmental ways. For instance, she said I was so much more like
my aunt that I could have been her daughter. Yet even saying that she totally supported my
uniqueness; in other words, she didn’t dim my light. Other people in my family did but not her.
In the process of harvesting my life I came upon a delightful yellow taffeta dress that she made
in her twenties. When I considered what to do with it, since it was not wearable, I decided to
spread her message of not dimming others’ lights, by cutting sixteen-inch strips of the dress and
tying them into small bows. Next, I wrote this story, printed out several copies and pinned a
bow to each copy. I sent the story to several people and heard back from many of them that it
made them think about the whole idea of dimming lights. Several sent me photos of places they
put their bow so they could see it every day! Her story became a visual reminder of how to
honor our own and others’ lives.

Janet Hagberg, 2023. Author, healer and harvester of life stories! http://www.JanetHagberg.com

How do you mend a broken heart – part 4

Along the way on this mending of hearts journey a dear friend asked me the question, “How do

I know when I’m healed?”

Indeed, “How do I know when I’m healed?”

This is such an important question, and the answers are complex. It is vital not to trivialize
suffering by citing sure solutions or trying to console others or ourselves when suffering is still
close at hand. And do we ever fully heal this side of the veil? Perhaps we carry at least a
memory or a scar of our suffering as a reminder of its presence and its effect on us. I call that
eternal vigilance. Our bodies hold the memory of our heartbreaks, even as our souls and minds
are mended.

So be kind to yourself as you read this essay. Be compassionate. Carry your remaining sadness
gently. Give yourself time to be present to your pain and your healing –and to the joy that may
emerge with the process of mending.

With those reminders in mind, let’s start with a wise blessing from the poet/priest John
O’Donohue that may provide a grounded start to our musings about knowing when healing
happens.

For Suffering

May you be blessed in the holy names of those
Who, without knowing it,
Help to carry and lighten your pain.

May you know serenity
When you are called
To enter the house of suffering.

May a window of light always surprise you.

May you be granted the wisdom
To avoid false resistance;
When suffering knocks on the door of your life,
May you glimpse its eventual gifts.

May you be able to receive the fruits of suffering.

May memory bless and protect you
With the hard-earned light of past travail;
To remind you that you have survived before
And though the darkness now is deep,
You will soon see approaching light.

May the grace of time heal your wounds.

May you know that though the storm might rage,

Not a hair of your head will be harmed.

John O’Donohue, To Bless the Space Between Us: A Book of Blessings

I’ve asked several people who have done significant healing and mending how they know
within their hearts that they’ve healed or mended. Here is a compilation of the most cogent
answers. May one or two or many of them land softly on your heart so you know that you too,
have had healing, no matter where you are on the journey and what more you feel needs
mending. The very last section is about one of the deepest revelations of the wounding and
mending process. The gift of the experience. May it be so for all of us…

So, how may we know that we are healed within ourselves?

We feel no blame or shame towards ourselves or others, nor do we see ourselves as victims.
We experience inner tranquility, feeling comfortable or confident with ourselves.
We feel loving detachment from the person who hurt us and from the outcomes of the
situation, or even gentle release from the person we’ve lost .
We experience a general diminishment of fear or hurt or grief in our lives. In fact, even the
pain surfaces with less frequency, intensity, and impact.

We view the other person or the organization without fear or a strong outward reaction.
We don’t have frightening dreams of the person or the organization anymore.
We speak of them without revenge or fueling our anger.
We are more vulnerable yet safe with people who are like the one who hurt us .
We forgive the person, event, or organization that hurt us.

We forgive ourselves for whatever was instrumental in our compliance in the situation.
We wish them well, even in the depths of our heart.
We pray for their highest good and for a healed and blessed heart.

We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that we are unconditionally loved by the Holy.
We experience inner freedom from the imprisonment of the situation or event.
We know, embrace, and can manage our own inner issues. These would include
our addictions, our self-medicating behaviors and our shadows.

So, how might our healing manifest itself in the larger world?

We share the story of our hurt publicly without shame, and perhaps as a way to illustrate
our healing process. And we know when to move beyond telling it.
We have a desire to help heal others who have had similar experiences.
We encounter those who hurt us without panic but with firm resolve to stay safe and
grounded in our mending, even leaving when necessary.

When we experience similar circumstances, we know we have options in how to respond and
have a say in how people treat us.
We stay present to any current situation without hiding, while protecting ourselves with
healthy boundaries. Our safety is our major concern.
We reflect on this current experience rather than just reacting to it.

We continue to turn all who have hurt us over to God or a higher power to deal with them
instead of personally trying to deal with, change or fix them.
We remember the anniversaries of incidents or events yet not get substantially affected
by them. We notice them, perhaps with relief or new understanding.
If we do have a physical reaction to hearing painful stories or on certain dates re-experience our
pain, we have healthy self-soothing body practices to help us remain calm and free of
any debilitating emotions.

Ultimately, how is our mending a transformative experience?

This choice to mend is a leap of faith and a deepening of our experiences. Donohue says it like
this: “When suffering knocks on your door, may you glimpse its eventual gifts.” Yikes. Its gifts?
This is where it gets dicey. Suffering is not a reward, or a punishment or a goal to be reached.
And most of us never want to repeat our suffering experiences. Many would say it wasn’t worth
it, even if there is ultimately a gift involved. And I’m not suggesting that atrocities like genocide,
slavery, rape, or natural disasters are gifts to be received. These experiences deserve intense
trauma and body healing. Those events and the aftermaths are beyond the scope of this essay.

Yet in places in which we can embrace our personal experiences, usually over many years, our
suffering can slowly show itself to contain a hidden or even unbidden gift. The deepest and
wisest people through the centuries have voiced this. Teresa of Avila, a nun in the sixteenth
century who wrote a whole book about the inner life, said that “All is gift.” She wrote this
during the Inquisition in Spain, and she had Jewish lineage on her father’s side. So she knew of
what she spoke! This gift image is an ultimate healing response and not necessarily expected
but just lived into with gratitude.

What does seeing the gifts of our pain look like?

Well, we can name the gifts that came from the experience for us and note how they are transforming our lives. We may notice that the behaviors that once held us hostage are now vastly weakened. We may experience a life that more closely resembles the Beatitudes (being blessed as one of the poor in spirit, the meek, the mourners, the peaceful, the pure in heart etc). We may notice that the gifts of the spirit are
more evident. These are gifts of love, joy, patience, kindness, mercy, peace etc. We may feel
real compassion for those who have caused our suffering. We may experience new ways of
giving and receiving love from ourselves, God, and others. Even our humor about life and a
sense of God’s unique sense of humor may increase. We ultimately experience joy like a river
that never stops flowing underneath the surface of our lives.

A wise healing mentor of mine suggested that the 7A’s of recovery are helpful as well. They can
be viewed at this link. The 7A’s Of Healing By Gabor Mate

So, dear reader, may we experience whatever our journey invites for our hearts to be mended
and healed. May our journey deepen our ability to have compassion for ourselves and for
others. May it bring us closer to our own heart. Closer to God’s heart. Closer to our loved ones.
And may our journey transform our lives so we can become vibrant sources of light and love in
this world. And may we experience the joy that emerges from pain well attended.

Janet Hagberg, 2023

How Can You Mend a Broken Heart? Part 3

Has your heart ever been broken by external things you had no control over?

Broken by things like discrimination, the church, authorities, cultural values, political decisions, or marginalizing? This heartbreak may feel different from personal relationship breakups, but it has lasting effects on our hearts all the same.

Let me share a few stories of external heartbreaking experiences I’ve had that involved more public shame than private pain, and the process I used in mending these experiences. When things get public, there is a different level of pain because our story is more open to others’ judgments of us. My process of mending was therefore different in these situations since I needed to not only discover and claim my own truths but also gently assert those truths amid conflict or threats.

I’ll share these experiences with you, but first, let’s return to this familiar song that speaks so directly to the heart-breaking experience. “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?” sung by Al Green or the Bee Gees, both classics. Sing or hum along! Here are the first three verses.

I can think of younger days when living for my life
Was everything a man could want to do
I could never see tomorrow
I was never told about the sorrow.

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
Tell me, how can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go ’round?

How can you mend this broken man? Yeah
How can a loser ever win?
Somebody please help me mend my broken heart
And let me live again, la-la, la-la, la.

Four stories of healing

These stories address how my heart was broken by things that were imposed on me from authorities or culture, some of which also wounded my soul. The four areas I will address are the church of my childhood and its theology, the unbending tenets of social activism, personal discrimination as a woman, and finding my voice in the fractious world of the arts and creativity.

Healing with my childhood religion, God, and the church

My childhood church expressed deep family values, reached out to many other parts of the world as missionaries, cared deeply for individual people in the congregation, and gave time and talents to marginalized people through missions in my city. The commitment to youth was enormous. We had so many activities we hardly had any time to get into trouble😊 I was even given chances to lead groups and go on several youth trips. I knew scripture backwards and forwards and I could name all the books of the Bible in 30 seconds.

On the other side of the coin was fear, shame, and threats of hell if we did step out of line. The theology was of personal recrimination for our behavior. And the constant judgment of God was hanging over our heads. The leaders were kind, caring and well-meaning and yet there were rules about everything especially out-of-bounds behavior that was mostly the fun stuff of teenage life (movies, dancing, card playing). I did my bit of rebelling by asking questions but was daunted because the beliefs I questioned had the overlay of being from God and therefore were not arguable. There was no one thing that hurt me, as I recall, but the overall result was the absence of God’s love and acceptance over time.

Three experiences helped mend my broken and shame-based heart, over the decades it took to name and mend my childhood faith. Probably the most important was a conversation with my spiritual director in which I was reiterating my childhood religious experiences of God and she said, in her gentle yet clear voice, “I’d like to suggest that you fire that God and find another.” I was shocked. No one had ever even come close to that suggestion before. Part of me wondered if I’d be punished for even thinking it. But I knew it held truth that I needed to embrace. So I did. I fired that God and, over time, found a deep and lasting relationship with a God of love, (and no judgment-ever). This, alone, was a huge change. A wise person suggested to me recently that we stop blaming God for what his people do in God’s name. That was so refreshing—and such good counsel!

The second healing experience was finding a theology of God and Jesus that I could embrace and practice in my personal life. A clergy friend and I searched for alternative theologies that would match what we experienced and believed. We found Narrative Theology, which essentially invites us to find our lives in God’s life and God’s life in our life. It asserts that God (In Jesus) has experienced everything that we have and is with us in all that life brings, caring for us and strengthening us, especially in the small details, the salt and pepper moments of our lives. There is nothing we can do that would cause God to abandon us or stop loving us.

My third experience of mending was reframing who Jesus is for me, apart from what my church taught to me over the years. To do this I read a lot of books and talked to a lot of people. Someone along the way suggested that I bypass all of that and go directly to Jesus and ask him who he is. So, I did. I said to Jesus, “Who are you?” Jesus replied, gently, “Who do you want me to be?” I said, “Well, I’d choose brother, friend or lover.” All of those were very different from my childhood messaging and I wondered how Jesus would reply. Jesus said, “I like all three. Which would you prefer?” I said, “How about all three?” Jesus said “Great.” Now Jesus is asking me to participate in the world as his sister by walking hand-in-hand in friendship as we observe, and in some cases, open doors of love to transfiguring experiences.

Now I believe that the two most important things in mending my relationship with the church and God were developing a loving image of God and accepting that I am and will always be unconditionally loved by the God who created me in God’s own image.

Mending my experience with social activism

I believe in and see the worth of collective action, like protesting and marching, in response to hideous and calloused behavior. The world shifts a bit as a result. The issues take front and center. Media, especially social media, keeps the action going, at least for a while. I am deeply grieved by the events that evoke these protests. My heart breaks for the issues. I’ve been the recipient of some of the behaviors that are being protested. Yet I must admit that, though I’ve tried on several occasions, I am not, at heart, a protester. I have felt guilt about that and have even been shamed publicly by others who say public action is the only way to move forward—the only committed way to work. “Other ways,” they say, “are just ways to feel better about yourself.” These criticisms feel like unbending rules. I’ve experienced these rules in two very different national initiatives, race relations and domestic violence. This judgment and shame have a way of dampening my spirit. It slows down my own mending process, yet ultimately invites me to claim a deep truth within myself.

That truth, that has helped me most to mend, is finding out where I do fit within social activism, since I believe it is important work. Essentially, I am a mender, a healer, a reconciler. When I was a leader in the domestic violence movement our whole initiative (The Silent Witness National Initiative) changed when we decided to be a healing force within the movement. We found and fostered local projects and programs that helped to mend those who were directly involved, or address mending within larger systems. Mother Teresa would call it doing small things with great love. These programs took more involvement over a longer time, yet they had lasting impact on the lives of those involved. The most important thing I learned about my leadership was how leading from behind enhanced the creativity and commitment that each state brought to the initiative.

In the arena of race relations and racism, I have had wise black mentors help me find my place within the healing and reconciling world. This means finding things I have in common with people of color and investing in relationships based on these interests. I have done art projects, given talks, recorded podcasts, served and eaten lots of food, made quilts, written essays, raised funds, prayed, and worshipped with these friends. Relationships lead to reconciliation. In fact, one mentor said that multi-racial relationships are racial reconciliation. So, while I may not be marching, now as I look at the world through a relationship and reconciliation lens, I see that my world view has changed. My life has changed. And now, hopefully, my story will speak to others who have similar inclinations for social action and reconciliation.

Healing from discrimination as a woman

While my experiences with discrimination before and during the women’s movement were quite difficult for me, I do not equate them to what people of color have suffered for hundreds of years in our country. However, in remembering my own experiences, what it does for me is to give me just a little bit of empathy for what shame and discrimination feel like. Discrimination came at me just because of who I was –and with few, if any, ways I could personally effect change in the structures that perpetrated this behavior, even though I was white.

When I was entering adulthood women were vasty underrepresented in law, medicine, politics, the clergy, corporate work, and entrepreneurship. We did not have equal pay. We still don’t have equal rights. When I was in my twenties, married and owning my own business, I could not get a credit card in my own name. I could not get a bank loan for my small business without my husband’s signature as guarantor (he was unemployed at the time I applied). I could not eat at three major restaurants. One searing story: I remember the elation and then shame I felt when a male business friend invited me to one of those restaurants, only to learn that there was a little back room reserved for men who met with women. Another shame experience was when my business partner and I met with corporate managers and they just assumed I was his assistant. Most had never had a woman as a colleague, just as wives, daughters, sisters or lovers!

What were my healing and mending experiences? On the personal level I looked intentionally for male allies who were supportive as colleagues and friends, I worked with clients who could respect me as a woman, and I used the three-strike rule for micro aggression! The three-strike rule goes like this: let the first insult pass and just smile; acknowledge the second one with a humorous remark or a gentle comeback; and with the third one from the same person, have a conversation about how I’d prefer to be treated. It got to the third strike just a few times, but it was memorable.

On a larger level, I was among the early joiners of an organization called The National Association of Women Business Owners (NAWBO). Our local chapter championed a wide range of women-owned businesses and we were very active. We had to learn how to incorporate the word “power” into our annual goals (because it was intimidating) yet it ignited us to work at ways to gain more power, like electing women to office. Our own president became the lieutenant governor! I felt like I was not alone. My stories were not unique. There were options and resources (like banks that did not require my husband’s signature for my business loan). That I had friends who understood the experience of owning a business. All of this made a huge difference in promoting my healing.

Mending within the artistic and creative world

I love beauty. I enjoy observing how creativity emerges in such different ways; music, dance, cooking, textiles, painting, photography, clothing, and nature. I admire artists who can create works that change lives and ways of seeing the world. Personally, I’ve enjoyed drawing, design and textiles all my life.

A sudden explosion of creativity emerged for me several years ago when I combined my love for fabrics, drawing and faith. I remembered an epiphany I had years earlier when I visited a monastery north of Moscow and attended a service there. We all stood in a room surrounded, floor to ceiling, with gorgeous painted icons, while soft chant music flowed out from behind a sculpted wood panel. I was enchanted and deeply moved. Now, years later, my own creative explosion was evolving into a unique artistic expression, that of contemporary quilted iconography (depicting sacred images and sacred people in art form).

Then I bumped into the wider artistic, quilting and iconography worlds. Although I did have amazing support for my work from artistic mentors who I revere to this day, the larger art world was not interested, and in a few cases, hostile. I was generally too religious for the quilters, too crafty for the art world, and not traditional enough for the iconography world. I felt like I didn’t belong anywhere.

Many artists will agree that when you create something original you put your soul into the art. So when you are criticized it is your soul that ends up being targeted. Therefore, the way forward for me was a soul-mending way. It was a second epiphany, coming to me in a vision, in my quiet time one day. I was lamenting my loss of belonging in any of these worlds and God invited me to draw three circles, all slightly overlapping each other with a small intersection in common. Each circle was one of the three worlds I didn’t fit into: art, quilting, iconography. God said, “See that small space where all three circles overlap and intersect?” I acknowledged that I did. God then added, with a chuckle, “Well that’s exactly where I created you to be, right in that little intersection, doing what I’ve called you to do, in this unique way.” Once I realized that and opened myself to continuing with my own unique style, no matter what, doors began to open. I was invited by deeply supportive curators at a local art institute to show my work in exactly the way that my first epiphany suggested; in a small room, with floor to ceiling icons, and chant music playing in the background. It was all I needed.

The experience of speaking out on public heartbreaks

Some readers might wonder how I chose—or dare–to tell these personal and fractious stories. Sometimes I wonder how I can tell them too. The rule in the church as well as in the culture when it comes to telling truths about our personal experiences of pain, is like the family rules. These rules include not sharing your response to the searing experiences in public. It may cause conflict, may cause us to be ostracized, may silence our voices further. I tell these stories, not to claim any victim status nor to get even with anyone, but to share how difficult it is to find and claim one’s own voice amid tension, judgments, shame and conflict. And how important it is to find and embrace allies on that journey.

The results of the story telling

These external worlds have so much influence on me and on most of us. They are powerful and can, when transformed, raise us up and support us, but they can equally hurt, crush or destroy when they so choose. So it was with caution, courage, trust and support that I learned, in these four cases, to move forward with who I was created to be, instead of who someone else or an institution wanted me to be. In summary I am drawn to a personal truth I offered in a book I wrote on power, “True leadership begins with the willingness to become someone other than who the world wants you to be.” May it be so…

Janet O. Hagberg, 2023. Please pass along.

How Can You Mend a Broken Heart? Part 2

Has your heart ever been broken by one person or a group of people?

Remember this song by the Bee Gees and Al Green?

I can think of younger days when living for my life
Was everything a man could want to do
I could never see tomorrow
I was never told about the sorrow

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
Tell me, how can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go ’round?

How can you mend this broken man? Yeah
How can a loser ever win?

Please help me mend my broken heart
And let me live again, la-la, la-la, la.

Has your heart been broken by lost love, by betrayal, by intimidation or toxic relationships? Mine has! Let me share a few stories about how my heart broke and then how I consciously sought to mend it, with a particular group of people; men! Now don’t get me wrong. I really like men. I engage with them on baseball, the inner life, cars, theology etc. I’ve co-authored books with men and have been in business with others. They are mentors, friends, brothers. And yet, a few men have also been the source of my greatest pain. And therefore, my best teachers as well! For instance, a huge turning point happened for me when I realized that I had something to say about how men treated me. But that evolved with time and an increasing sense of self-worth.

I’ve learned along the way that having your heart broken by someone you once loved or highly respected is likely the most universal and painful of heart breaks. The person you knew has now become like a stranger or even an unsafe person. This could be a family member, a professional colleague, or a love relationship. They may not only break our heart but wound our spirit as well if we mistakenly believe that our worth is dependent on someone else loving or respecting us. These are wrenching experiences and yet… and yet, they can be mended, with help and with intentional effort at least on our part, if not on both sides of the relationship.

Four stories of healing

These four stories are about deep healing and mending experiences I’ve had with the men who’ve hurt me the most. The first story is about healing with my father who was a mixture of goodness and deep anger. The second story chronicles my one-sided healing with my estranged brother who was a chronic alcoholic and who died of Cirrhosis. The third story depicts how my father helped me heal my experience of my broken marriage. The fourth story describes how healthy male friends helped me heal from a traumatic experience with a man who violated me. My intention is not to blame or shame anyone, including myself, but to describe how the choices I made in dealing with these situations and the support I got in the process ultimately transformed and mended my heart.

A note to the reader: It will become painfully clear in these stories that mending broken hearts is not always mutual. In fact, it is usually not the case. And it is not required for mending to happen. Sometimes the healing occurs with the presence of someone who represents the person who hurt you but is safe and respectful. This was my experience with my father helping me heal my part of my marriage and with my friend who mended my experience with the man who violated me. I call my experience of mending with no reciprocal response from the other person “costly mercy.” For me that means it takes more out of me when I stop to acknowledge that it’s truly one-sided.

Healing from father-daughter impairments

Growing up I had three main male role models; my dad, my brother, who was six years older than me, and a church youth leader who was a solid approachable male. My dad had been an alcoholic before I was born and stopped drinking cold turkey but was still a “dry drunk,” very angry for no apparent reason and intimidating for all of us. When my mother died young (she was 55, I was 22), he was my primary family member. In conversations with my therapist in my early forties I knew I had to come to terms with him. I was very angry at him. That anger felt like my only connection to him. My fear was that I would have no other way to connect with him if I let go of this anger and forgave him. “There may not be anything else there. No love, no warmth—nothing.” That was not true, but it was my fear.

My therapist invited me to write the things my dad did do for me. I made a list.

*He taught me to drive well.

*He taught me to be a risk taker in my business.

*He took me to different places in the country.

*He taught me to water ski and play baseball.

*He bought me clothes

*He let me drive his old ’54 Olds to high school.

*He didn’t dismiss my good grades.

*He protected me from male employees who often stayed with us.

He was also a provider and a good man in the community, active in church and generous with my friends. But for me personally he was also unpredictable and volatile. So there wasn’t much of any warmth.

My most significant understanding of his influence and my reaction to it was working through an insightful book on the father-daughter relationship called The Wounded Woman (by Linda Schierse Leonard.) In it I learned there are two major responses to impaired relationships with fathers and daughters. One is for the daughter to become an Eternal Girl and the other is to become an Armored Amazon. Usually, a bit of both. The subtypes of Eternal Girl are The Darling Doll, The Girl of Glass, The High-Flyer: Donna Juanna, and The Misfit. The subtypes of Armored Amazon are The Super Star, The Dutiful Daughter, The Martyr, and The Warrior Queen. I decided which ones I had become (High-Flyer and the Star!) Yikes. Then I needed to learn why these two had become my identity (to camouflage the shame of my family). I needed to learn how they wounded me (because that wasn’t my job and it exhausted me). I needed to release them as my main or only way to be in the world (thank God). As I did the work to embrace and mend them, I could feel my fears and anger with my dad diminish, and therefore I could operate in the world without reacting to men as I had reacted to him. I could forgive myself and him and have more satisfying relationships. This took years.

Mending with an estranged and chronically ill brother

“It isn’t even funny.” These were the first words my brother uttered when he looked in my crib and saw me for the first time. It didn’t get a lot better than that, although for a while we did put in some effort. But my brother and I were never very close. Eventually he developed a severe drinking habit, which I recognize as a disease, yet it severed our relationship. We could only talk to one another through letters for many years and only on business issues. Again, with the help of a thoughtful therapist and a spiritual director I grappled with how I could do some healing on my end of our relationship even if it wasn’t reciprocated, which I did not expect.

In a predawn quiet time, I came upon the idea of a creative project I could do for my brother. I spent six months making a scrapbook focusing on the first thirty years of his life. It included the friends he had, the girls he dated, the cars he drove (fifteen cars in his first seventeen years of driving), the trips we took, the camping and hunting experiences he had. I called him to see if I could just drop off this gift for his birthday and he said OK. I had to leave all my expectations at home as I started on that trip. This was just to be a gift to honor his life with the memories that I had of him.

When I gave it to him, he stood at his kitchen counter, while I was on the other side of the room. He quickly paged through the whole scrapbook but paused at one page, the one with his fifteen cars listed. All he said was, “You’ve put a lot of work into this.” Nothing more. Which I expected. But I left having gratitude that he even received it. I didn’t see him again for years until he was in the hospital after suffering from hypothermia after falling, inebriated, in the snow. He was semi-conscious and I whispered in his ear all the good things I remembered about our childhood. He awoke and for an hour talked about our family and how he was planning to be different when he got out of the hospital. Alas nothing changed.

He died a few years later of cirrhosis of the liver. I did find out at his memorial service that he had saved the lives of three people during his career as a police officer and for that I was grateful, even if he couldn’t save his own life on this side of the veil. Talking with him for that hour in the hospital, learning more about his life from others had to be enough for now. I am forever grateful that I made that book for him.

Mending from my marriage, with the help of my father

I was married for twenty years to a charismatic, public minded, good-hearted man who was a pillar in the community. Not surprisingly, he was a lot like my father! On the surface we were a great team, active in social causes, involved in the lives of his two wonderful sons, supportive of each other’s work. Under the surface things were decidedly different. Again, much like my father. Once I had that realization, several years into our marriage, I worked again with a therapist and a spiritual director, and decided I needed to do more inner work to break this pattern.

I asked myself, “Who would be the best person to help me with this daunting task?” My answer: my father, who had initially imposed his unhealthy behavior on me and had now passed over. He had shown me, in a mysterious conversation, that he was interested in helping to heal what had not been healed between us consciously when he was alive. I know talking to the dead seems strange to some people but ask almost any widow or widower and they will tell you that conversations are not uncommon, and they can be very soothing and reassuring. Anyway, my dad coached me on how to deal with my husband as did my therapist. I followed their instructions.

One difficult behavior I adopted was what I call a temporary leave. When I was being intentionally intimidated and felt scared, I told my husband that I was going to leave for an hour or two because I did not deserve to be treated this way. I said I would be back and hoped things would be different. I reconnected with him in some way each time I returned. This leave taking was a way to develop clear and sacred boundaries. It was daunting to develop boundaries with a person I lived with. How to do that? Carefully, courageously, and with a wise plan B.

Again, like with my dad originally, and with my brother, there would be no mutual heart mending experiences with my husband, and our marriage dissolved. Yet I feel that the whole process of experiencing pain, gaining insights, getting wise support, having the courage to mend and change, and developing compassion for others in similar circumstances has made me into the woman I am today. I do not want to repeat any of these experiences, but I can see and feel the transformation in me because of them. For that I am grateful.

Mending my heart after being assaulted or violated

One of the most difficult healing challenges of my life has been mending my heart after being assaulted or violated by two different men. These mendings usually take a lot longer and include counseling and truth telling among other things. It has been a life-long journey to come to a place of health, even though the healing hasn’t directly involved the men who hurt me.

The second violation was an assault and I dealt with directly by going to the police and getting the support I needed. But the first one was much more complicated to deal with. I was young, in my mid-twenties. It was my boss who I respected and was eager to work with who sexually violated me. It started with suggestive comments that then led to surprising me by coming up behind me when I was working and putting his hands on my shoulders, then sliding them down the front of my blouse. To stop this behavior, I suggested to him that our working styles were incompatible. It had no effect. Eventually he required me to work late a few nights, and since I rode the bus, he offered to drive me home. On one of those trips he abruptly stopped in a parking lot and lunged at me, molesting me until I yelled at him to stop. And after that I started getting bad headaches on my way home from work each day.

You might wonder why I didn’t do anything more about this along the way. Three reasons. First is that I had no legal recourse because sexual harassment wasn’t even in the dictionary, and I thought I would not be believed. Second was that he was a well-educated black man. Third, I had to keep my job, since my husband was in graduate school, and I was the major wage earner. So I just kept going. One day my boss told me he was going to his boss to discuss me, since I had become a problem in the office. Something within me opened (I still marvel at the risk it took to open but it did) and I told him I was going to talk to his boss’s boss. I did. I asked for a different job and did not say why except that our working styles were incompatible. I was too afraid of the consequences to say more. Yet I said I could quit if another job was not available. Yikes. Thankfully I got a new job. But I didn’t heal from the experience until several decades later.

How that happened is quite a miracle story. Over the last several years I’ve developed a timely and special relationship with two healthy African American men. One is my dear pastor and mentor. The other is an artist who I share projects with and who has also become a wise mentor and colleague. A few years ago, I invited my artist friend to share his story of growing up in Mississippi under heavily segregated laws. It was a difficult story to tell and for me to hear. After I heard it, I said I was truly sorry and asked for forgiveness for all that had happened to him because of “my people’s behavior.” In part of his story white women were very dangerous because of what could happen if you even looked at them or met them on the street. This was the era of Emmet Till, who was brutally murdered for talking to a white woman, so it was terrifying. And now, although my friend had several white women friends, I was deeply moved that he felt safe enough with me to share the deep story of his substantial fears of white women growing up. Despite the experiences of his childhood, his parents had taught him not to hate white people but to forgive them.

A year or so after this reconciling conversation I felt like I was ready to tell him the frightening story of my sexual violation at the hands of my black boss and my feelings of being imprisoned in that job and relationship. He listened to me carefully and told me that he understood. In fact, a female family member of his had a similar experience. I felt that my experience with my boss so many years ago was finally heard, understood, healed and put to rest. My friend represented, for me, a group of men I had feared and generally avoided. Just like I represented for him a group he had learned to avoid. Now my relationship with him, which allowed me to tell him the whole story, helped me to mend and not be afraid anymore.

The process of telling broken-heart stories

These stories are hard to tell. They are usually hidden below the surface and involve shame, so they rarely get publicly addressed. It is vital to tell these stories—but in a safe and secure place. And to keep telling them as long as it is helpful. And there is also a danger in continuing to tell them for so long that we get stuck in the stories and begin taking on a martyr role. This is usually because of underlying fears or lack of resources for moving forward with the healing process. With wise help there are paths available to continue the healing process, so the memories are healed and the events of the stories will not be repeated.

Just a word to readers who might be wondering about my conversations with God (and Jesus) throughout these essays. People have vastly different ways of praying and I honor that. These conversations are how I pray. First, in quiet I listen for God. I also pour out my heart to God. I ask for clarity about what is going on in my life. Then I ask what God is inviting me to be or become. I take in the invitations within my spirit. It’s hard to explain in words how that works. Then I respond. I am very honest with God and God is quite honest with me. We don’t always agree! I often find that God’s side of the conversation and God’s sense of humor is quite delicious. And God’s endearing name for me is Sweetie. I love that.

The results of the process of mending

Mending broken hearts with people who have hurt me deeply feels like a life-long journey. At the same time, the whole mending process lightens my load. I needed to remember the experiences. I needed to get the support to face into them. I had to decide how to mend. Then I needed to act on my choices in safe ways. The payoff was the interior freedom that came with the mending. To reiterate, in some mysterious and deeply spiritual way I feel that these four stories and this healing has helped make me who I am today. I tell these stories only as an example of one person’s journey. I am grateful for the courage within me to share these stories. And I am grateful for the people who accompanied me and for the presence of The Holy, which allowed me to take these deep dives into wholeness.

 Janet O. Hagberg, 2023. Feel free to pass this along.

How Can You Mend a Broken Heart? Part 1 of 4

Has your heart ever been broken by life disruptions, by big losses, by betrayals?

Well, mine has and I can imagine I’m not alone. If you share this heart experience, read on!

As I was looking back over my life; asking myself evocative questions, reliving life experiences, looking at old photographs, reading old journal entries, I noticed a theme that repeated itself in my life. My theme, right there amidst all the goodness, busyness and achievements, was a repeatedly broken heart. Broken from early deaths of loved ones, from divorce, from repression of me as a woman, from physical assaults, from betrayal, from estrangement with my brother, from addiction, from health issues. Sometimes my heart broke over a long period of time and repeated experiences, other times it broke with one sentence, like “I don’t love you anymore.” And then there was heartbreak over things outside of my personal world, stories of women in prison, victims of domestic abuse, stories of hate speech and discrimination. I could go on and on… As I was pondering this theme, a familiar song began playing in my ear, “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?” sung by Al Green and the Bee Gees, both classics. Here are the first three verses.

I can think of younger days when living for my life
Was everything a man could want to do
I could never see tomorrow
I was never told about the sorrow.

And how can you mend a broken heart?
How can you stop the rain from falling down?
Tell me, how can you stop the sun from shining?
What makes the world go ’round?

How can you mend this broken man? Yeah
How can a loser ever win?
Somebody please help me mend my broken heart
And let me live again, la-la, la-la, la.

A peculiar sensation appeared then, that I needed to understand. I became aware that I don’t feel like my heart is broken now even though I’ve had numerous things break it in the past. I began to wonder what it was that helped me mend and heal my broken heart. And guess what, my life-pondering brought me a few suggestions. I’ve chosen a few poignant experiences I’ve had along the way to illustrate what helped me to heal my heart.

Four stories of healing

The first two stories are about a healing experience with my mother at her grave, and a dialogue I had with my very wounded inner child, both depicting deep wrenching losses. The third experience shows part of a healing heart process after my divorce, involving body work. And the fourth story is a decision I made to “adopt “several family members when I lost my own. All four of these healing experiences occurred in the decade of my life from age 39 to 49.

I share these experiences to embrace my own process but also to have compassion on the younger me who needed to heal from those searing losses. And I feel that the more honestly I can tell my story, the more likely it is to resonate with other people’s stories.

Asking to outlive my mother

My mother died young. She was just 55 and died suddenly of a brain aneurism. Five years earlier she also had an aneurism, but the doctor said that if she slowed down she could live to be 90. She didn’t. I had a running dialogue with her in my journal after she died and to this day I still write to her and receive messages back. But this visit I had with her was especially compelling.

Just a few months before I turned the same age that she was when she had her first aneurism, I went to visit her grave. I was afraid that I would die or start to rapidly deteriorate when she did. I went to ask her to give me my life back. She said, “I’ve been waiting for you to come. I asked God for one wish long ago—that you would live double the life I did. God granted the wish, but you had to come to claim it. So here it is. Live well. Live out your passion.” I said, “Thanks Mom. This is the best gift you could ever give me.” It was a poignant moment, a lasting memory, and a step towards interior freedom for me.

A healing Experience with my rageful inner child

It all started with a dream: It was terrifying and real. I rode a horse to a spiritual church meeting. After a good meeting several women sat talking in the pews. Suddenly, a wave-like spirit came over us at various times, trying to hurt us. One woman almost swallowed her tongue. I was almost suffocated. Other women experienced other scary things. I cried to God—”please save me—take this evil away.” God did and I survived but was afraid to go home alone. I woke up with a hurting chest and I was very frightened. Why this dream? Why now?

My interpretation and subsequent dialogue: This dangerous spirit feels feminine. It is evasive and sinister. It is the small fragile little girl in me who is cold, hard, scared, and has concluded she is unlovable. She is very insecure and terrified of being vulnerable. So now that I’m doing some inner work around my own vulnerability, she feels vulnerable and wants to suffocate (stifle, silence) my progress, my new trust, my new courage, my new sense of love.

Dialogue: (If this dialogue triggers pain or memories that need to be heard by a professional, please stop reading or be very gentle with yourself. This is holy ground, difficult work).

Me: Come over here and let’s talk.

Her: Are you kidding. You just want to con me—and you don’t even know me.

Me: Oh yes, I do know you. You are part of me. A part I admit to not knowing well. But I’d like

to know you better.

Her: Why would you want to know me? I just tried to suffocate you.

Me: I just discovered you and for some unexplainable reason I really want to know you. I guess I

like your spunk.

Her: Spunk, ha! It’s sheer hardness and self-preservation.

Me: Tell me more.

Her: There’s no one you can trust. They’re all out for themselves. No one loves you. You hate

even yourself. So be cold, hard, impenetrable.

Me: And lonely?

Her: (Surprised) How did you know?

Me: I can see it in your eyes.

Her: (Hiding her eyes) I thought I was invincible.

Me: It’s OK even if you’re not. I like your style—bold and straight forward.

Her: This is the first time someone’s ever liked me. You know dad couldn’t. He was too

wrapped up in himself. And mom really tried, but she was too afraid of life and dad to really make love stick. Where have you been all this time?

Me: I just discovered parts of me, and mom and dad, and you. I agree with you about mom and

dad but I saw and felt other parts of them too—different parts.

Her: Well, I froze at about 8 years old or so and have never felt safe or loved since. I got the

formula for love and followed it: be good, get good grades, stay out of trouble, go to church, be a leader, be responsible, don’t swear, don’t be sexual. And I helped you do all of that— until you fell apart and started scaring the s___ out of me.

Me: When was that?

Her: Started with the divorce but got into high gear when you started getting this spiritual

direction stuff. You are really threatening me now, so I must scare you into stopping.

Getting back to the formula.

Me: Why am I threatening you?

Her: We can’t crack. Can’t be loved or our shell will crumble and we’ll have to be vulnerable—

out of control—be little again, be trusting, be dependent, be hurt, be disappointed,

abandoned.

Me: Would you believe me if I told you that my journey has led me to believe that yes, we’ve

been all those things, but that God does indeed love us so deeply that God would never abandon us—for any reason, under any circumstances?

Her: Sounds like a set up to me.

Me: I thought so too, but after 4 ½ years of receiving spiritual direction, I don’t think so any

more. And I really want you to be able to FEEL this love. I know it scares you. It scared

me too because I couldn’t believe it. But all I ask is that you take my hand and try it.

Her: I’ve never taken anyone’s hand in my life.

Me: But I’m part of you—you’re part of me. And you can always let go.

Her: Can’t I just saunter behind you?

Me: No, I need you next to me, holding my hand. I’m scared too. We’re both still pretty little,

you know. We need each other perhaps…

Her: Can I think about it? And what will the results be?

Me: You can think about it but it won’t help. The journey begins now and it is one of the

heart—that will scare you as it did me—but I’m going to ask you to trust me. A big thing to ask. I can’t tell you the results. I just trust after 4 ½ years that they will be good and you’ll feel better in the long run.

Her: You have me in quite a quandary. I’ve never trusted before. I’m used to calculating and

scheming. But you say you’re part of me and you appear honest and sincere. But how do I know I can trust you? I just tried to suffocate you.

Me: All you have is my word. That is all I have to give. It is all I am. You either trust me or you

don’t and this is my invitation—to go on the journey with me. (I reach out my hand)

Her: (Pause) None of this makes any sense to me but there is something about you I like. I don’t

say that about anyone. I’m not sure why I’m even thinking it.

Me: Will you go with me?

Her: (reluctantly) I’ll begin the journey and see what happens I guess. I admit I’m squeamish,

but I am a little lonely after all this time.

Me: So am I. Let’s go. (I take her hand and we take a slow step forward).

Body work to mend my broken heart

After my divorce I felt so vulnerable that I inadvertently started to shut my heart down so it could not be hurt again. When I noticed this stance, it felt like an impediment to full functioning and not healthy for me. I didn’t fully realize how true this was until I was doing body work with a professional healing touch practitioner. During one particularly poignant session I felt (in my psyche) as if I had a tall fence around my heart. We worked gently to take the fence down section by section.

But there were more barriers. Over the next several sessions we removed a corral, a zippered lining, a plastic shell, then an embryonic sac. A few months later I had a vision that my old heart was being replaced by a new one—a gentler, kinder, fleshier heart. All those layers were removed to make way for a new heart from a divine source. A scripture verse describes it as a heart of flesh replacing a heart of stone. I even made a quilted contemporary art piece depicting a heart that was breaking out of prison walls to be free once again. And I was finally ready to let my open heart receive love and friendship again.

My decision to “adopt” several family members

By the time I was 39 both of my parents had died and my brother and I were estranged. I had no biological children and my extended family was not closely connected. I felt like an orphan. Holidays were the worst, when everyone seemed to be with their family (whether they enjoyed it or not). I needed roots and connections to feel like I belonged in this world. Over the next few years, I decided to “adopt “ additional roots, and create my own chosen family. They were naturally in my life but I made it intentional with them or just in my own heart. As a result, I adopted mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, children, aunts/uncles.

To this day, some of the originals are still in my life. Many have passed on. When I need new ones I consciously add more. I even have a chosen “family” of four to help me plan for my death and memorial service. And on holidays, I need to be with someone I love close to the holiday but not necessarily on the holiday. Usually, one of my people is available. But if not, I take the actual holiday as a retreat day and do what is most life-giving for me. It makes all the difference for my peace of mind when I could otherwise be depressed and lonely.

The danger in telling broken-heart stories

Some readers might wonder how I chose—or dare–to tell these personal and family stories. I don’t take this lightly. The rule in my family, as in most families, was not to share family secrets or family pain. Author and theologian, Frederich Buechner, writes (decades later) about his father’s suicide when Frederich was only ten years old. No one spoke of him after it happened, and the family moved to another state. That’s how he found out that the law his family lived by was “Don’t talk, trust, feel.” He adds “And woe to the one who broke it.” His view is that these rules are the unwritten law of families that for one reason or another, have gone out of whack.

I realize the danger in breaking those rules, and I do it carefully so as not to inflict more pain. Yet I’ve come to realize that unless the shame, guilt and truth is aired, eventually it may thwart the family spirit. But the personal and generational healing that can result, and often does, after intentional mending work, is worth the effort. So, I’ve chosen to tell these stories from my perspective, without shame or blame, and to include the vital mending process.

The results of the story telling

Now when I listen to the broken heart song, I sincerely feel the experience of having a heart broken by life, by lost love, by all the hurts that happened to me and others and I do grieve that. Yet I also feel the sensation of freedom that emerges when I heal from those hurts and mend my heart (although there is always something more to heal!). I often use the phrase “Joy emerges from pain well attended.” As a result of the healing, I am more open to the beauty, grace, creativity, and love in the world. I am grateful for all of it.

Janet O. Hagberg, 2023. Feel free to pass this along.

Blessing Janet, by Barry Thomas

Blessing Janet (and Others in Your Life)

In their book The Critical Journey, Robert A. Guelich and our beloved Janet O. Hagberg write, “Those who have been through this stage (The Journey Inward Stage) themselves and may be specially trained in spiritual direction, spiritual formation, or pastoral counseling are unique people and are to be sought out.”

In 2004 that is exactly what I did. I sought out Janet Hagberg. I wanted to learn from her wisdom, her experiences and her heart. And she responded. I met with her and a friendship was born. Over the last 12 years, Janet has been a tremendous source of encouragement and inspiration. She models the relationship with God I want to have. She has served as a mentor and guide through a transformational way of living. And my guess is she has done the same for you in some way…through this blog, her website (http://www.janethagberg.com/), her books, her teaching, her ministry or through her everyday way of life.

This is my last blog entry for At River’s Edge, so I want to take the opportunity to invite any of you who has been blessed by Janet to return the favor and send her a blessing. The best way to do this is through her website: http://www.janethagberg.com/contact.html. Let her know what it is you appreciate about her or her ministry.

I’ll go first:

Janet,

I appreciate your willingness to help people grow and heal. I appreciate the way you not only listen to God, but surrender to His voice. I appreciate the way you live simply and modestly which opens you up to God even more. I appreciate your listening ears. And I appreciate your friendship and encouragement.

 

Speaking of blessings…

Is it more difficult for you to give a blessing or receive a blessing? Here is what I have noticed about myself when it comes to blessings:

• It is more difficult for me to receive blessings than to give them. Receiving a blessing has been an area of growth for me. The more I see myself as being loved by God, the more I am able to receive blessings from God and others.
• Sometimes it is difficult for me to give blessings verbally especially if I think the person is “fishing” for a compliment or acknowledgement in some way.
• Giving a blessing verbally can feel vulnerable for me.
• I am much better at giving blessings in written form through cards, emails and text messages than through verbally speaking them. For me it feels safer and the words I write are more thought out and meaningful.

My wife and I used to read to our kids each night from a book of blessings called Bless your Children Every Day by Dr. Mary Ruth Swope. It is full of simple blessings to read over your kids in areas such as courage, abundance, abilities, a free spirit, humility, and much, much more. Our kids ate it up! They craved the times we read from the book. And after a while, my wife and I started making up our own personal blessings for the kids. I highly recommend this practice for parents.

The most common “mistake” made when giving a blessing is when the blessing is limited to praise for accomplishments, achievements and a job well done. It is more important to praise someone (anyone, not just your kids) for WHO they are, not for what they DO. The easiest way to do this is to think of character traits you see in the other person. If you are like me, it helps to have a cheat sheet. Character First is a curriculum that teaches on 49 different character traits. So here is what I do: I cheat. I look at the list of 49 character traits and pick a couple or a few (sometimes I may only see one) from the list that I see in that person. Click here to see the list and definitions: http://www.characterfirst.com/assets/CFDefinitions.pdf

So now I encourage you to practice giving a blessing. Give a blessing to Janet. Give a blessing to your loved ones, Give a blessing to your friends.

In fact, I dare you to try an experiment!

The Experiment

1. Select one person to bless this week.
2. Look at the list of 49 traits and pick 3 traits that are exhibited in the person you selected.
3. Choose a way to deliver the blessing: speaking it verbally; writing it in a card, a note, an email or a text.
4. Start the blessing by saying, “I appreciate you because you are ___________________.”
5. Notice what goes on inside your heart after giving the blessing.
6. Notice how the relationship with that person changes over the next few days or weeks after giving the blessing.

I pray that this exercise is a powerful experience for you.

Barry Thomas